"I Can't Even": How One Incomplete Sentence Defined a Generation

I cant.  I literally cannot.  I can't even.

Our generation is so distraught that we can't even form complete sentences.
We "can't even" what?  Nothing?  Everything?  We "can't even" so much that we literally can't EVEN!!!
That last sentence made no sense.  Include it in an English term paper and you'll receive a failing grade in return.  However, most of my peers will understand exactly (or most of) what that statement meant.  "I can't even" has become the phrase of 20-somethings (and some 30-somethings) across the nation.  I've seen it transcend the counter cultures of the US.  You will hear young people lamenting this from Texas to New York City.  Mostly, it is young women who will use the phrase, but from time to time, you'll see the occasional male who "simply cannot".  Such little words, but yet, it is understood within this age group.  We understand it and we identify with it.  In a way, it has defined us.

So lets' break it down: When someone says "I can't", "I can't even", or the most extreme, "I literally can't even", what are they really saying?  First, lets' start with the most simple - "I can't."  Whenever someone says that they cannot do something, they usually mean that they are incapable of either physically, mentally, or emotionally dealing with something.  It may be a task, person, or situation.  For example; if I say that "I can't drive," I am saying that I have declared myself incapable of operating a vehicle (whether this is actually true or not, because people can say they cannot do something when, in fact, they are fully capable).  The phrase, "I can't" is usually said by individual in response to a situation, statement, or any sort of stimulus that they find ridiculous or subjectively "difficult" to deal with.  So to speak, the state of being in "can't" is a subjective experience.  If I am watching a show on television that is so absurd to me, I may exclaim "I can't", in response to the absurdity of what I am witnessing.  Another example of the use of "I can't" may be in response to a certain stressor in one's environment.  If I am having a hard time with a course assignment, complaining to a friend that "I can't" with this class, is another way of saying, "the class is hard for me to mentally deal with at the moment."  Essentially, "I can't" is more of a feeling.

How are you feeling today?

I Kan't.

The phrase "I can't even," is similar to the former, however it kicks up the English language a notch by adding the adverb, "even."  The addition of this phrase turns the complete sentence, "I can't" into an incomplete one: "I can't even."  And older person may ask in response, "you can't even, what?"  This phrase is also just another way of expressing one's frustration or disbelief in absurdity of a certain stimulus they find difficult to deal with.  Another adverb that is added to the "can't" phrase is the word, "literally."  Many experts (or "experts") of the English language will audibly groan every time they hear a Millennial use this word incorrectly.  The word "literal" means to interpret something in its most basic sense without means of metaphors or allegories.  For example; if I take Homer's Odyssey literally, I will actually believe in the real-life wrath of Poseidon.  So, if I tell my sister that I will literally kill her if she eats my slice of cake, thinking in terms of the dictionary, she should never eat that cake because I said I would literally kill her.  Here, the word "literally" is indicating that I am not using the mention of murder as a metaphor.  However (and thankfully), many young people now use the word "literally" as both a means for emphasis and something that is a precursor to a metaphor.  For instance, saying that I will "literally" kill my sister, means that I am serious about the state of my cake slice.  I may not really kill her, but I may do something like yell at her or fight her (or just hold a short-term grudge).  In other words, "Do not eat my cake Dora, or I will be really, really, really, really, mad at you."  But, since we are Millennials I speak like this: "Don't touch my cake, Dora.  I swear, I will literally murder you, if you touch it!"  We don't intend literal murder; only figurative.

I literally could not resist this meme.

So now that we've defined the meaning of the phrase, "I can't even," now we must determine how this relates to our generation.  It appears as though the current mental state of 20-somethings may be a bit disgruntled.  We face the frustrations of struggling to enter the workforce with our freshly obtained college degrees.  Some of us are over-qualified, working for jobs that we may have just settled for.  Some of us can't even find jobs in a field which we worked 4 years in school for.  Many more of us can't get hired for a simple job.  Period!  We are constantly having the most expensive gadgets advertised to us, each company proclaiming that we need their product, yet we can barely pay this month's cable bill.  In addition to financial woes, we also struggle with basic companionship.  Many say that the dating scene is crumbling; that it is uncertain, confusing, and stressful.  Not to mention, the music industry is messing with us...  One week we are exposed to the smart lyrics of Twenty One Pilots, then the next week we are expected to believe that people actually enjoy listening to "Anaconda."  On top of all this, the VMAs will never be as good as they were in the 90s.

Perhaps the incomplete sentence, "I can't even" serves as an allegory for the state of our generation as a whole.  This is what it is; an incomplete sentence.  First, it is incomplete in the sense that our lives really have only just begun.  We are only in our twenties.  Granted we have good health, we have so many more years to look forward to.  The phrase may also represent a general incompleteness in our lives.  Many of us may be lazy; never completing anything.  Many of us may have voids in our lives; absent parental figures or friends.  Many of us may be missing elements within our love lives.  Any of these situations reasonably illicit the emotion: "can't!"

We are a generation of weirdos stuck in between that time where it was necessary to go to an actual library to complete a research paper, and using Google; between the AOL dial tone and 4G cell phones; between bunny-ear antennas on the television set and flat-screen, high-definition televisions.  Let's face it, we've seen quite a bit of development in our lifetimes and we aren't even halfway through our lifespans.  I'm not saying we are the only generation to experience so much societal stimulation, but we definitely have found some type of way to convey the feeling.  Through the frequent use of this phrase, "I can't even," it seems that we are constantly exasperated.  Some of us may be over-exaggerating our frustrating experiences, but the feeling still remains.  So much is going on that we can't.  We can't even.  We literally cannot.
  

The Diaper Full of Sh*t

Imagine, for a second, a diaper full of hot, stinking, poop.  For lack of a better description: shit.  The diaper is full of shit.

Imagine that diaper is full of someone's shit.  They take this diaper and throw it in your direction.

Now you have seen most people dodge this diaper when it is thrown at them.  They quickly move out of its way.  They look at it with disgust.  They glance at it after it has fallen to the ground, shaking their heads.  "I'm not touching that shit," they say.

However, when the diaper comes flying your way, you catch it.  Not only do you catch it, but you hold it in your hands, and you look at it...  You start having feelings for that diaper of shit.  You start caring for it.  It now becomes your baby.

So you take your baby (shit) with you everywhere you go.  The smell is so pungent, so you can't ignore it.  Everywhere you go, you are constantly thinking about your baby (even though it's a diaper of shit).

You try to live your life as you normally would, but you keep worrying about your "baby."

You try to go to work, but you can't concentrate because you're always thinking about your baby.  Even though you have tons of paperwork in front of you that needs your attention, you keep thinking about how you need to get back to your baby (the shit).

"I've need to go; I need to go take care of my baby!"

Everyone else looks at you in confusion.  "You mean that diaper full of shit?"

"It's not shit, it's my baby!"

"No.  It's a diaper of shit.  You don't need to care about it."

It's a diaper of shit.  You don't need to care about it.

It's a diaper of shit.  You DON'T need it.

It's shit.  You don't have to take it.

Take no shit!  Most people don't.

(Thank you to my therapist for the allegory.)

Why I Care about #Ferguson and #MikeBrown

People are entitled to their feelings.  Everyone is allowed to have an emotion in response to an event; no one else can tell that person their feelings are wrong or invalid.  Sure, the way a person can think and act about something can be adjusted, but a person's feelings can never be wrong.  They just "are".  It's like saying that some heartbeats are more wrong than others; that just doesn't make sense.  Feelings/emotions run deep through the human race.  They run even deeper through closely-knit communities.  This has become evident whenever tragedies happen, such as the recent events in Ferguson, MO.

If you don't know what's happening in the town of Ferguson, or what happened to a boy named Mike Brown, I won't explain it much here.  You can easily do a web search about it, but essentially the issue is about race, discrimination, and police brutality.  Obviously, these are intense issues, and now people are very angry about it.  Mike Brown was a Black, American, teenager who was unarmed when he was gunned down by an officer.  I wasn't there, and there is no way I could have been or will ever be inside the mind of this particular officer's head when he decided to pull the trigger on this boy, so I can't know his exact rationale for shooting him.  The Black (and supporting) community has their views on what happened here, and the reason Brown died, according to them, is evident: Racism.  Discrimination.  Irrational fear of minorities.  Misinterpreted threats.

The last four points I listed are all problems people are seeing when it comes to the police force in the United States.  These kind of things keep happening:  Black men and women are being unfairly judged when it comes to the system of law and order, and for what?  It's because of the color of their skin.  The color of our skin.  I am a Black female, and while I have personally never felt the sting of racial profiling or blatant racism towards me, I keep seeing it happen around me to a race I am a part of.  It's honestly disheartening and grossly unsettling going through life knowing that the country you live in had a history of brutal enslavement of your people; that ONLY 50 years ago it wasn't uncommon for my mother to walk through her hometown in Arkansas and face possible assault or death just because someone hated her skin color; that a random stranger may or may not HATE you just because you look different.  Some people like to believe in the power of colorblindness and that racism is some kind of ancient practice that is dying out.  While, I appreciate that this tries to aim at a positive view, we still cannot ignore the power of racism today.  It's alive and real, and it's becoming more and more evident in our world.

We are angry because this keeps happening.  Why do innocent Black people keep becoming victims of misguided violence?  Why do we keep assuming that black = dangerous?  What's the need to shoot first?  Why does the media continue to portray us as "scary, thuggish, and ignorant" even though everyone working in a media outlet KNOWS EXACTLY what they are doing?  TEXTBOOKS have been written on the impact the media has on society and culture, so why do they keep painting us as Neanderthals???

While at work, I heard my coworkers discussing the protests going on in Ferguson.  Their focus was narrow; they talked about how the protesters just want the name of the officer who shot Brown to be released.  They likened the protesters and rioters to a "lynch mob".  This is a linear point of view which made me angry that they didn't even consider seeing it from a different point of view.  The way I see it, these protesters aren't just looking for a name or somebody to blame.  Mike Brown is dead, and there is nothing we can do to bring him back.  Yes, the people do want justice, but even more so, they want a permanent resolution.  All those problems with society, the police force, and the justice system that I listed earlier?  Yeah. They want those to be fixed.  One way we can fix this is by raising awareness and attempting to open people's minds in public and through social media.  Taking action.  This is exactly what they are doing by protesting.  They are reacting and taking a stand for something they believe in.  Now, the violent rioters and looters have a separate and selfish agenda, but as for the protesters whose hearts and mind are in the right place and all of you posting messages of solidarity, I support you.

Whenever I think about what happened to Mike Brown, I think "that could have been my own brother."  My brother is the same age as Brown was, and coincidentally will also begin college this Fall, just as Brown would have.  So, whenever I think about a young Black man being treated unfairly by police and others, it makes me fear for my little brother.  I also have an older brother; I have similar fears for him.  They can both easily be seen as scary, big, tall, Black males.  In reality, they are the sweetest things you will ever meet.  Stereotypes should never be our primary basis for how we decide to act in life.  I don't care how much you've seen or read about Black men or women.  You know nothing.

So I guess I feel a connection with the community of Ferguson, and the friends and family members of Brown in the sense that we feel pissed off that our community of Black individuals keeps being unfairly judged.  Yes, we are causing a ruckus about it now, but how the hell else are we supposed to get the world to LISTEN?  Heck, most aren't even causing uproars, they're just peacefully protesting.  Yet, Ferguson looks like a war zone...  Like I said before, people are entitled to their feelings.  Feelings are never wrong.  You can't tell us that we are wrong for feeling angry about this.  Similarly, I can't tell anyone that they should feel angry, as well.  If they don't, they don't.  Human experience is an individual thing and (unfortunately) we don't have enough power to tap into people's minds, flip a switch, and make them think like we do.  We can only raise our voices loud enough, write enough words, and display enough images in hopes that others will see the way we do.  I care about the problem of injustice in the Black community because this is my community.  Just because I live in Illinois doesn't mean it's not affecting me.  NEVER think that just because you are geographically removed from a situation means its not going to affect you.  It can always connect back to you.  Everything is connected and everything travels and catches fire.  If you don't already, I hope you start caring.


Also, CLICK HERE to sign the petition to help stop police misconduct!

P.S. - If anyone knows the artist who created the picture above, can you let me know?  And I totally give them credit and kudos :P

Things I Loved Today: 8/7/14

• A message from a mass email at work

"Does Osbaldo have a hard hat and safety goggles?"

"He has a hard head and safe eyes." 

• The fact that I actually know a person named Osbaldo.
• There is a Mermaid School in the Philippines, that actually manages to exist without being creepy!  I kind of wish I could go there (If only I could swim...).
• Paul McCartney's retro "WTF?" face:

We just wanted to make music and hold your hand!


• Driving to work without coffee and NOT feeling drowsy FOR ONCE!  Hashtag-winning.
• Discovering that "Thunder Clatter" by Wild Cub is the perfect morning song.
• Working on breaking my cycle of fear.
• Eating lunch then reading a book in "my place" in the park.
• Realizing that the power of prayer really does work.  It's great when I actually recognize the changes I know that I prayed for.
• Deciding to eat lunch by myself at my favorite Indian restaurant.  (This actually didn't happen today, but it will tomorrow, and I am very excited to eat and read alone..and also very hungry.)

Answers to the 34 Questions About Racial and Cultural Stereotypes

I submitted a response-type article to be published on Thought Catalog.  I assume it got rejected because they never emailed me back.  Sad day.  However, it's a good thing I have my own blog right here where nothing ever gets rejected.  NOTHING!  *MANIACAL LAUGHTER*

For the record, I am a black girl, but let me just speak for all races now.  #YesAllRaces

I read this, so then I wrote this.  That is all!

1. Why do black people like grape flavoring so much?

Black people, why grape?

Because it’s delicious.  Duh!  If you haven’t realized the bliss of (artificial) grape flavored food and drinks, get out of my face.

2. Why do white people like cheese so much?

White people: Why do you always have so much cheese?

Cheese is also delicious.  I’m eating cheese right now.  Who doesn't like cheese?  ...Vegans.  Yes.  But secretly, vegans wish they could eat cheese.

3. Why do people say Mexican food burns their ass?

I am Mexican and I wanna know why people say mexican food burns people’s anus/ass????? ( It makes no sense to me :/)

Mexican food is generally spicy.  Spicy food creates “spicy” excrement.  Science.

4. Why do Indians have bad body odor?

A lot of Indians I know have pretty bad BO. I get that it’s partially a cultural thing but are you just biologically conditioned to ignore it or what? Can you not smell it on yourself?

I don’t really care what causes it, honestly just wondering if you even notice it or you just learn to live with it or what..

Well that’s just rude…

Well, maybe it has something to do with the type of food that is eaten, which in that case, yes, one would get used to the smell, and not even notice it anymore.

Still rude..

5. Why can’t Italians eat quietly?

Why are Italian families so damn loud at restaurants?

They like to eat and have fun.  Dude, get over it.

6. Do white people feel threatened when other races move into the neighborhood?

White people, do you feel threatened when too many immigrants move in? I’m Asian and when I first moved to Cali my whole neighborhood was white, but as soon as the other minorities were rolling in they began leaving and now the street is all Asian, Indian, Black, and Hispanic

Obviously not all White people are threatened by minorities moving next to them.  That is absurd.  However, I’m sure that that curmudgeon who gave me a dirty look and changed seats when I sat next to her on the train felt “threatened.”

7. Why do angry black women keep repeating the same sentence?

Why, when angry, do black women shout the same sentence over and over? They’ll pick a couple key phrases and just get stuck in a Howard Hughes loop.

Because they’re angry?

Because they’re angry.

Because they’re ANGRY.

BECAUSE THEY’RE ANGRY!

8. Are black and white people’s pubic hairs similar in texture?

Do black people’s pubes have the same texture as white people’s?

Well, yes, but why do you need to know?...

9. Are blacks ashamed of low-class blacks?

Black people, are you as ashamed of your low class people as us whites are of rednecks / trailer trash?

We’re ashamed of anything that degrades our identity, just as I’m sure White people are ashamed of rednecks that give White people a bad name.

10. Why do white people wear shoes indoors?

White people: Do you guys actually wear shoes inside of your houses? Isn’t that really unsanitary? I’m in Canada and from the limited number of white people’s houses I’ve been to, this doesn’t happen so I’ve always thought it was a myth…

My family sometimes wears shoes indoors.  My black family.  So, I really can’t help you out on this one…

11. Why are Filipino men henpecked?

Why are most older Filipino men look so beat down by their wives?

Because marriage is hard work.

12. Why do white people leash their children?

White people: Why do you put leashes on your children when walking around with them, and why does it seem that they are in charge when out in public?

I’m sure they just want to make sure they don’t lose little Johnny in the park.  We’ve all seen too many episodes of Law and Order: SVU, so the fear of child abduction is real. 

13. Are there any happy Japanese people?

Are people living in Tokyo at all happy/fulfilled? And why does the culture seem so oppressive?

Every time I hear about japan’s workaholic, very reserved culture I can’t help but think no one could be happy there.

So basically, is any of that true?

Of course Japanese people are happy.  Haven’t you ever watched anime?

But really, Tokyo is like the Japanese equivalent of NYC in the US.  So many busybodies and serious-looking Wall Street brokers make it seem just as oppressive as Tokyo.  However, we all know that outside of the big cities are simpler and more relaxed lifestyles.

14. Why do white kids talk disrespectfully to their parents?

White people: why do you talk to your parents any disrespectful type of way? What is that about? I wish I would tell my mom or dad to shut up. All hell would break loose on my ass.

It’s all about individual parenting practices.  I’ve seen some terrifying White mothers who would absolutely kill their children if they stepped out of line.  Similarly, I’ve seen disrespectful Black kids and the feeble Black mothers they step all over.  Some parents just don’t practice enough discipline or assert themselves over their children enough.  If a kid feels like they can get away with bullshit with their parents, they will definitely try it, no matter what culture they are in.

15. What’s with the “N” word double standard?

Why do black people throw around the N word like it’s meaningless while if someone else says they have a shit storm

This is actually legit, and there are so many ways to answer this question, but here’s my take:

The “N” word has been used as a negative term that has kept the Black race down for hundreds of years.  In my opinion, it’s still keeping us down.  Some Black people believe they are turning a negative into a positive by “reclaiming” the word and making it their own; they are redefining it in a way.  This is similar to women using the word “bitch” to speak to each other endearingly, or gay men using the “F” word. 

I personally never liked the word and don’t appreciate its use, but I think overtime it will fizzle out and possibly lose its historical meaning.

16. Are Germans ashamed of their history?

How do the younger generations of Germans feel about living in a country with a horrible past?

You can ask the exact same question to young people living in the United States or literally anywhere that has a history of war, massacre, genocide, oppression, slavery, etc.

“I’m very ashamed of my country’s past.” - A teenager from Spain, still upset about the Inquisition.

17. Why do Indian men wear sandals?

What is with you Indian guys and wearing sandals everywhere? Also the popped collar thing?

Oh, this isn’t a White thing?

18. Why do white people act ghetto?

Why do white people feel the need to act ghetto to be tough or act ratchet to be ironically funny?

Because they’re probably around the ages of 12 to 24 and have no idea what the hell they are doing.  Somebody please stop them and tell them they look ridiculous.

I’m also looking at you, middle-upper class Black kids.  Your father just paid your college tuition.  Pull your freaking pants up!

19. Why do white women have savior complexes?

White Women: why do you think every other ethnicity and culture needs you to save them?

I can’t answer this properly because I am not a White woman.  However, speaking as a Black woman, I feel like I need to save every person who wrote the questions on this list, lest they make further fools of themselves in public.

20. Are white people bothered by the rise of Asia?

White people, what’s your view on the potential rise of Asia? Does it bother you or intrigues you that there is a possibility that Asia will call most of the shots in international politics?

Well, Asia showed us Pokemon, Toyota vehicles, amazing food, China’s Olympic Gymnastic team, and karate, so I don’t think White people will mind too much.

21. Do all black people know one another?

Here’s one for black people, and I’ve always wondered this. When I’m in the city, I always see black people talking to, shaking hands with, and hugging, other seemingly random black people. Do they really know each other? Or is it purely a black camaraderie kind of thing?

So being friendly is weird now?

22. Can Asians tell one another apart?

Can chinese people tell the difference between other chinese people and those from a different asian country like japan?

Yes.  Probably.  If you studied culture and races well enough, they would be able to tell the difference as well.

There are differences between cultures all around the world: If you try, you can tell an Irishman from a German; an Alaskan from a Hawaiian; a Ghanian from a Nigerian, etc.

23. What’s with all the black family reunions?

Black people: Why do you guys have so many damn family reunions? At least once a day I see a black person with a “__________ Family Reunion” t-shirt

What?  Do you have a thing against families?  We like our families.  Deal with it.

24. What’s with Asian drivers?

Asians : What is it about driving that makes it absolutely impossible? Why whenever I see someone in the fast lane doing 20mph below, or crossing 4 lanes of traffic with no blinker, or parking in the most cattywampus position, or drifting over into other people’s lanes, does it almost always turn out to be an Asian person? Is it a lack of a gene that doesn’t allow muscle memory pertaining to driving or do you really just not give a shit about anything happening outside your vehicle?

Rude.  Go away.  #NotAllAsians

25. Why are the English hung up on Americans?

I want to know why the English think that it’s ok to target Americans about EVERYTHING, but no other culture. I have people just come up to me and say how great it is, or how awful it is, that I’m American. But I’ve never seen them do this with Polish or Italian people, for example. Like you don’t just walk up to an Italian’s table at the pub and say, ” God I just love your accent, I love Italians, you are so Italian!” Whereas I get that sort of thing regularly, and other American’s I’ve talked to have experienced it too.

I’ve experienced something similar while I was in England, but honestly, I think it may be because American pop culture tidbits are spread all over the globe, so it may be really exciting for a British person to meet an American in real life, or criticize them based on the portrayal of Americans in widespread media.  Americans do the same thing to the Brits.  Let’s be honest.

26. Why do black people cross the street so slowly?

Why you black people cross the street so slow?

This is not a thing.

27. Why do Hispanics shop with their entire extended family?

Hispanics: when you go shopping somewhere, why do you take your entire extended family with you? It’s always husband and wife and two or three kids and maybe an uncle and usually at least one grandparent and possibly some cousins as well. Why do you need to bring everyone to buy a video game or a book or groceries? And what the fuck are you driving that you can fit so many people in your vehicle??

Again, they like their families.  Also, they are probably driving something called a “van.”  Perhaps you’ve heard of it.

28. Hey, blacks—why so many wigs?

Why do African and Caribbean shops sell so many wigs for women?

BECAUSE FUCKING SOCIETY TELLS ME MY KINKY HAIR ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH SO I HAVE TO FUCKING SEW IN SOME SYNTHETIC HORSE HAIR BULLSHIT SO I CAN PRETEND TO HAVE STRAIGHT HAIR LIKE ALL YOU OTHER FINE-HAIRED BITCHES ON TV!!

...ASSHOLES.

29. Why are Chinese tourists messy and gross?

Why are Chinese tourist groups always the messiest, grossest people at our hotel?

Maybe because they hate your shitty (and possibly racist) hotel service.

30. What color is black people’s dandruff?

Coloured people of Reddit, is your dandruff also coloured or is it white? I suspect it is white, but you never know…

O_O

I can’t even, so I just won’t even...

31. Why won’t Gypsies assimilate?

Gypsies why do refuse to be part of society and cause damage to property, steal and be so aggressive?

I would like to clarify I am British and all interaction with the gypsy population was in England.

Because society sucks and assimilation is boring..

32. Do white people fear becoming extinct?

White people: Are you afraid that your race will get extinct one day because of constant mixing?

I’m sure some (racist) white people have this fear, but this will likely never happen because there's this place called Northern Europe where there are almost no brown people.  So if you really are all about White Power, go move to Scandinavia or someplace where the temperature never goes beyond 35ºF.

33. If life in America is so bad for blacks, why don’t they leave?

If life for you in this country is so unfair or hard, what is keeping from swimming back to Africa?

Because I wasn’t born in fucking Africa, I was born in the fucking United States of fucking America.  There’s no going “back” to where I’ve never been.  Like..why don’t you go ahead and doggie paddle your way back to England?

Idiot.

Also I can’t swim.

34. When will blacks and Jews get over the past?

Dear jewish people, how long will it take for you to get over the holocaust? It happened like 70 years ago.

Dear black people, how long will it take you to get over slavery? That shit happened like 400 years ago.

Dear #34,

Sorry these oppressed cultures keep bringing up old shit and reminding you of the terrible crimes against humanity.  We know how much of an inconvenience it is to keep hearing about these awful events in history involving the mass genocide and degradation of our people and their cultures.  We understand that these constant reminders of the Holocaust and slavery are just as detrimental to your psyche as the actual physical and psychological pain our ancestors went through years ago.  Sorry to put all that guilt on you.  Honestly, we just create these memorials and teach history classes for fun!  Please allow us to keep talking about it for approximately 5 more years.  We should get it out of our systems by then.

Sincerely,

Mad Black Woman

.

Life at 34... Ok, yeah, sure.

Someone asked me what I picture my life will be like 10 years from now.  I sat and thought about it for approximately two minutes...  It's moderately difficult to think about where I will be in 10 years, partly because it seems so far off from now.  I'm 24 years-old, and ten years from now, I will be 34, which seem like such a, well, mature age.  When I think of someone who is 34, I think of someone who has a family of their own, a stable career, a house...uh...freaking competence!  I think of someone who has their shit together.  I don't; at least not as much as I'd like to.   Heck, at 34, my parents already had at least three kids!  I can't even take care of a house plant!

Another reason why I can't imagine my life 10 years from now is because I honestly don't know where I will be.  Sure, I have an idea, but life could go in so many ways.  All I can do is hope my life will go a certain way.  If it doesn't go the way I'm hoping, that will be fine, as long as I turn out happy.  For now, there are a few things I hope my life will have at the age of 34:

• A stable career as a dance/movement therapist
• A house.  It doesn't matter what kind or how big, but it has to be a house.  Not an apartment.  I would like a backyard.
• Living or would have lived somewhere outside of Illinois.  I want to travel and experience living in another state, even if it's just for a short time.  To live in London would be a very big dream.
• My writing career in the works.  I write as a hobby, not as an aim to make money, so I'm more focused on just having fun with it.  I hope that I continue to write, either having a successful blog or a published book that provides some kind of helpful information to others.
• A child or two.  I really don't need kids by the time I'm 34, but it would be nice (but only if my shit is together!).
• Confidence, beauty, and health. 
• A ferret.  That'd be nice...  Yeah. 

Single Life, Whatever! (Spoilers: Liz gets deep)

I'm single, and I need to be right now.  Simply put: my sense of "self" is not the best, so a strange phenomenon happens when I am with someone else.  It's almost as if I give up my being to the other person.  I sacrifice my individuality for the sake of being a romantic partner.  I want so much to have and to be had, that I give up the most important thing: my identity.

Whatever your favorite band is, I will like them, too.  Whatever you like to watch on television, I will also watch it.  The food you like is now my favorite as well.  Want to kiss?  I really don't want to, but you do, so I will.  This is how I work; or at least how I used to work.  I'm like that would-be African Queen of Eddie Murphy in Coming to America.

Right now I'm at a point in my life where I have to do a lot of self-work.  I'm talking a ton of work.  Recently, I've been studying some yoga and reading about the chakra system.  I've realized that all of mine are either closed or extremely weak.  Even if you don't buy into the whole idea of the chakras and the flow of energies in the body, I'm sure that if you analyzed my current life, it will be evident that a switch or two needs to be turned on.  For instance, I have a weak sense of grounding, self-esteem, etc.  This is weird because I didn't always used to feel this way.  Somewhere in my twenties, the paradigm changed, but instead of focusing on "where I went wrong", I instead need to focus on how to get back on track.

Without a firm ground or confidence, I cannot be in a romantic relationship.  You can't love someone else, if you don't love yourself first.  I haven't been loving myself as much as I used to.  It is necessary for me to be secure and healthy before I try to merge into someone else's life.  I want to be completely healthy (mentally and mostly physically) before I jump into a relationship.  I may not even actively try or search for a partner for a long while.  If someone discovers me when I am at my best and sees some kind of spark within me when I get better, that would be great.  However, I'm not going to linger on that thought.  It's okay if I'm single.  I'm just starting to realize that.  It's fine if I'm single because I realize that's where I need to be right now.  Besides, I don't need a boyfriend when I have friends and family who will give me everything I need at this point in my life.

So when I say "I don't want a boyfriend because I'm working on myself right now," it's not a cliché.  I'm dead serious.  Mental and physical health matters so much more to me.

Things I Loved Today: 4/24/14

Things!  They happened!  Today!

• For the first time this week, I made it into work today, with two extra minutes to spare.  Hooray for driving 60 MPH!
• Columbia College is offering another Intro to Anatomy/Kinesiology workshop.  This is something I need so this news is just fantastic!  http://www.colum.edu/Academics/DCAT/anatomykinesiology-workshop.php
• My tweet was favorited 15 times and re-tweeted 4 times.  The highest for any of my tweets, ever!

Monty Python & the [sipping from your cup till it runnith over], HOLY GRAIL!! (*Jay Z starts rapping*) #GangstaBroadway
— Liz Uh-Watch-Tree (@LizWithTheStuff) April 24, 2014

• Receiving texts from loved ones, that contain no actual importance or substance.  People that just contact you because they were thinking of you.  I love that.
• I just discovered Think Geek.
• And this practical fashion blog for gamers: http://consoletocloset.com/
• The lineup for Electric Forest 2014 was updated AGAIN.  I'm not even going to post the link.  Go find it.  Be amazed.
• This photo of Jared Leto and Zedd...  I just...  I just need this to be my wallpaper.

Wait what!?!? pic.twitter.com/wtjPWHOEGz
— Zedd (@Zedd) April 23, 2014

Grocery Stores Give You Panic Attacks, Too, Right?

Me and my thoughts at work:
"Yay!  It's almost 5:00.  In a few minutes I'll be out of this place and on my way to a nice relaxing time at work."

I realize I ran out of coffee and I need to get some from the store to drink the next morning:
"Well, I guess I really don't need the coffee for tomorrow.  I can just make some at work....  But I like to have it in the car on the way to work...  But that's okay; I can make tea instead...  No tea won't be enough caffeine for me...  It'll be fine...  No it won't...  I'll fall asleep driving...  No, I won't; I'll just go to bed early...  Fat chance...  Screw it; I'm going to the store."

On my way to the grocery store:
"Awesome, there's a blizzard right now.  Ugh, everyone's driving so slow and I can barely see the road.  Maybe, I don't need to go to the store today...  No, I'm already out.  Plus I'll definitely need it if I'm going to be scraping snow off my car tomorrow morning...  I'm literally going to pass my house on my way to the store...  Stupid coffee..."

Finding a parking spot:
"It's snowing so much, I swear I just saw a polar bear cross the street.  WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE HERE?!"

Inside the store:
"While, I'm here I should probably get the other things on my shopping list...  Guess that means I should get a cart...  Great, now I have to worry about cart traffic.  Fantastic!  Old ladies better watch out..."

Turning corners out of aisles:
"Wow, that old lady just almost crashed into me...  I hate people...  Great now, she's moving so slow in front of me.  I'll just look down at my phone and pretend that I'm also going slow...  Awesome, this guy just passed us both up like he's the shit...  Well, screw you too, man!"

Finding what I need:
"Don't they sell the classic roast anymore?... Seriously?  Am I really going to have to ask somebody?  Great...  Um, sir.  Do you have the classic roast coffee?  Oh, it's right to the left of me?  Oh, okay, got it, thanks...  Wow, he probably thought I was so dumb...  Oh!  Wait, sir!  I can't reach the can!  Nooo, now he's too far away...  Um..  *sigh* I guess French roast is fine..."

Finding the other things:
"Yes, my household will eat all 50 boxes of pasta I just threw in my cart.  Everyone stop staring at me like I'm crazy!...  This guy has been standing in front of the milk for two minutes.  Just pick one already, dude!  I could just walk around him and grab my milk...  Nah, he'll probably think I'm rude; I'll just wait...  Still waiting... Okay, I'll just pretend I'm going to look at the cheeses, then come back later..."

Coming back for the other things:
"The dude is STILL in front of the refrigerator door...  It's fine, we don't need milk... Rice milk is fine...  Are you kidding me?!  Now the old lady from earlier is blocking the rice milk?...  What did I do to deserve this?...  Oh my God, I almost just ran down a small child with my shopping cart!  Parents; watch your damn kids!"

In the alcohol section:
"I'm really going to need some booze after this shopping mission...  That worker just looked at me funny; I think she thinks that I'm under 21...  I swear I'm over 21 ma'am...  Oh, no she's coming over here...  Why does she need to see my I.D. now?  What?  A person can't even look at the alcohol without being carded?...  Do you think someone under 21 would dress business casual and go on a full-out grocery shopping journey?  There are women's daily vitamins in my shopping cart... You really think I'm underage?...  Ugh...  She must be bored...or new...  What the hell!  She didn't card that obvious pack of high school students over there!  Nevermind; she must be racist..."

In checkout:
"Should I do self-checkout, or regular checkout?... I have enough items to self-checkout, but just enough to the point where I don't want to bag it all by myself...  Meh...  I'm buying a pack of tampons; nobody needs to know about that; I'll do self-checkout...  Crap!  I can't do self-checkout when I have booze!  *Grumblegrumble*  Fine, I'll do regular checkout...
"No, I do not have a membership... No I do not want one...  Yes I found everything I was looking for today...  Although, I couldn't get to the 1% milk, because a guy was..erm, and still is..standing in front of all the milk; you guys should probably check that...make sure he's okay...  No, no, you don't have to get your manager; I was just sayin'...  Yes this bottle of wine is all for me; don't judge...  My total is $56.49?...  *sigh*, I guess I'll just buy those shoes next month..."

Leaving the store parking lot:
"This guy is just sitting in his car behind me, not moving; Hey buddy!  I gotta back out of this spot... Oh, he wants my parking space so he's waiting...  You're in the way though, dude, I can't back out with you in my way!...  Wha-...  Now why is he pulling forward?... No, get out, of my way; don't come closer...  He's still pulling forward...  Alright, if it's a fender-bender he's asking for..."

Trying to make a left turn out of the parking lot during rush hour:
"I cant even..."

My Very Detailed and Expansive New Year's Resolutions that Totally Didn't Take Me All of December to Create

This year, I put together an epic list of resolutions that I want to happen in 2014.  Instead of just making bullets, I also wrote mini-blurbs under each resolution, so that the focus and understanding really sets in.  I feel that often people will make resolutions such as, "eat better".  See, the problem there is that "eating better" is such a subjective phrase, that it doesn't really have much ground behind it.  What are the steps involved in "eating better?"  Do you mean you want to eat better, as in healthier, or eat better as in better tasting food?  It helps to lay out the details of your resolution so that it is constantly clear to you (and others, so they can keep you on track!)  So, I present my New Year's Resolutions, live on my blog for the entire world to see! (if they magically happen to stumble upon this link...)

1.  Workout every day.

In actual fact, I want to work out everyday of the week, but I say four just because there is always the possibility that some other event will come up.  I really would just like to tone up more and increase my endurance so I don't feel like puking after running 2 miles.  While, I don't focus too much on my weight, I would like to lose about 10 lbs, but as long as I can look in the mirror and like what I see, I will be happy.

2.  Stretch every day.

I used to dance almost every day, so my flexibility was better than what it is currently.  "I'm losing my dancer!", I say to myself as I try to touch my toes from a standing position, and I can barely do it.  I want to keep dancing forever, so obviously, my flexibility has to stay intact.  I will not lose my dancer!

3.  Work on my dance technique at least two times a week.

Once again, I want to keep dancing forever, so I definitely cannot lose my technique.  I want to go to school for dance therapy, which will require some pre-established technique and terminology, so I can't forget all that I've learned.  At least a couple times a week I will work on basic ballet and modern skills such as, positions, jumps, turns, and stretches.  I may even invest in a turning board so I can finally nail my quadruple turns...  Who knows?!

4.  Lay off the snooze button.

For past couple of months I have literally been rolling out of bed at 7:00 am, throwing on clean clothes, brushing my hair, grabbing some coffee (if there's time), and driving to work...by 7:20 am...  I start work at 8:00 am.  THIS MUST STOP!  I don't like rushing, so why do I do it?  Simple.  Because I like sleeping too much.  I get up at the last minute because my bed is warm and it loves me, but waking up later causes me to be disorganized for the rest of the day.  I don't eat breakfast, I don't have a proper morning coffee ritual, and I definitely don't have time to warm my car up if it's icy outside.  If I just give the snooze button a break and actually wake up at an appropriate time, then I will have a smoother morning ritual.  But before I do all that...

5.  I should probably get more than 3 hours of sleep a night.

I need to stop staying up till 3 am watching Under the Dome with the roommates.  I'd be missing out on all the fun, but I can't sacrifice all the valuable sleep that I need.  Plus, I'll probably feel healthier if I got more rest.

6.  Pack my lunches more often.

I don't like eating junk for lunch while I'm at work.  It makes me sleepy, so I drink more coffee, then I get more headaches.  Solution: I should pack my lunch the night before then grab it the next morning.  That way, it will be something good for me that probably won't be deep fried or sugar coated.

7.  Eat healthier snacks.

In addition to packing my lunch, I should eat healthier snacks, like fruit and nuts, while I'm at work, and also at home while watching TV, etc.  It's better than Oreos.  I love Oreos...  But woman cannot live on Oreos alone.  Unfortunately...

8.  Go to the eye doctor.  Get contact lenses.

I don't care if it's at Walmart, I need to get an eye checkup so that I can get a prescription for my contacts.  If I'm going to be working out and dancing more, I'm going to want to wear my glasses less, so I need contacts in order to be free from pushing my glasses up my nose every 10 seconds.  Plus, it's always good to know if you have glaucoma or anything...

9.  Go to doctor for regular checkups.

Let's see, when we were kids, how did we know if we were sick?  Oh yes, our parents would schedule our doctor appointments for us and make us go.  Now, that we have freedom and don't live with parents, what should we do?  Oh yeah...  Shit, we have to do that stuff by ourselves.  Adulthood 101: taking care of your health is a priority.  Don't put it off.

10.  See a chiropractor.

Just because I've never been to one, and now that I have decent health insurance, I would like get check up, because I know for a fact that my back sucks.

11.  Be more expressive.

This actually involves a lot of elements.  First, I need to be expressive in my words to others.  It's never really that hard to say what you mean to other people.  I'm not going to hold back so much anymore, I'll speak up, and I'll work on making my feelings more clear.  Second, I'll be expressive in terms of how I present myself to others.  I want my actions and the way I look to show my personality to others.  Finally, I want to expressive myself artistically.  I want a piece of myself to show through in my writing and also any drawing that I do.  I feel that I've always had a bit of an "artsy soul", and in 2014, I want that artsy-nerd to break out.

12.  Style my hair more.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have one hairstyle lately:  The Poofy Up-Do.  It's fine, but it's also one of my laziest.  There really is much that I can do with my hair, I just need to set aside the time and effort to work with different hairstyles.  I also want to try a new color.  I'm still thinking of the options and what would look best.  The possibilities are endless!

13.  Get a tattoo.

I want a dancer on fire.  I want a dancer on fire.  I want a dancer on fire.  I don't know where I want it, but I want a dancer on fire.

14.  Write something every week.

I always have ideas running through my head, but I never write them down.  It usually takes me less than a day to complete a blog entry, etc.  My new goal is to write a piece every week and either post it to my blog, or another place where it can be viewed.  If not for public viewing, then I'll make private a journal entry.  At least I can say I wrote something.

15.  Get on the path to Grad school.

I've decided that I want to pursue dance therapy as a career, and I'm sticking to that!  Now, I need to follow all the steps to getting into the program I want, so I can start going back to school as soon as possible.  Extra classes, applications, and financial aid are all of the things I need to look at.  I want to kick-start my education very soon, so the goal is to stay focused on completing all the checkpoints on the way to Graduate school.

16.  Take MMA classes.

I don't ever touch people, and I rarely ever get physical or aggressive, but I have the utmost confidence that if it became necessary, I could kick ass.  Why not test out this theory by taking an MMA class?  I think it would be fun to let out some aggression by doing martial arts and also potentially getting ripped in the process.  It's also something I've never done before, so it should be exciting.

17.  Take a pole dancing class.

This just seems like something new and fun, and since I found out there is actually a studio that teaches pole classes in my area, I'm even more inclined to check it out.

18.  Join contemporary and hip-hop dance classes.

If I had to pick one, I'd say that contemporary dance is my "specialty".  It's important to me to stay in tune with the style, so I'll find a class and take it weekly or so.  Also, hip-hop is a style that I don't have a great knack for, but love anyway, so I definitely want to get better at it by joining a class.  I also miss dancing in group settings.

19.  Keep record of my choreography.
I am constantly thinking of ideas and choreographing mini-dances in my head.  Some of them are pretty cool (if I do say so myself), but then I can never remember them.  I decided I will either write them down, or record myself doing the choreography, so that I don't lose it forever.

20.  Draw more.
I used to draw a lot, and it was actually very peaceful and relaxing for me.  I didn't even care if I was good or not, I just loved making sketches and drawing anime and manga characters.  I want to start doing it more often.  I think it will also help with my self-expression.

21.  Read more books and comics.
I have a long-term goal to read 100 books by the time I'm 30.  I'm 24 now, and I'm only about halfway through, so I've got some work to do in the next six years!  Comic books are also something that I've always wanted to become more immersed in.  Fantastic artwork combined with action-packed story lines: Why am I not reading more comics?!

22.  Rearrange and decorate my room.
My room has been rather stagnant for a year.  It's time to liven it up.  I'm thinking of going with a Batman theme because I'm 24, and that's what adults do.

23.  Keep my room and bathroom cleaner.
I always feel better when my area is nice and clear, so I might as well make more of an effort to keep it that way.

24.  Volunteer.
I want to do something where I know that by the end of a day, I have made a big difference in someone's life.  I haven't quite figured out exactly what I should do, but when I discover it, I want it to be consistent.

25.  Be more financially responsible.
I'm in my 20s.  Do you really think I have money figured out, yet?  This year I'll take a step towards financial stability.  I'll pay my bills on time and I won't buy stuff I don't need...  Well...  I won't buy most of the stuff I don't need.

26. Go to more music festivals/shows.
I always hear about these awesome shows and music festivals, especially during the summer, but I always end up feeling sorry for myself because I didn't go.  Well, to avoid those feelings of regret, I'm just going to go.  No questions asked.  I'll just buy the ticket.  Done and done!  People are also very fun to socialize with at shows, so that can be another mini-goal: meet more people at shows.  Yeah!  I love people (Lies.  I actually hate people, but for the sake of festivals, I will learn to love more people).

27.  Use my planner.
I bought a 2014 planner.  I'm going to use it.  That's pretty much it.

28.  Take better care of Renly.
He's all dirty because I haven't washed him since I got him.  The poor thing...  I also should probably get tune ups done more often.  Renly also deserves to be personalized.  He's been a good companion so far.
Renly is the name of my car, by the way...


**Bonus**
I have to use this blog more often.  I'm aiming for at least once a week.


BRING IT ON, TWENTY-FOURTEEEEEEN!!!!