The movie begins around 1800-something-something in France during the Revolution. Cool. So we're going to see some popular and well-known French actors like Marion Cotillard and Gerard Depardieu, right?
*Spoilers: There are no French people in the movie about FRANCE.*
Russell Crowe is overseeing a bunch of prisoners who are pulling an overturned ship out of the water, because he gets amusement out of watching them. The prisoners complain in song. Russell Crowe then commands Hugh Jackman (who at this point looks like he belongs in Apocalypto) to carry a giant beam by himself. Pay attention to this because it comes up later. Once.
Hugh Jackman is later released from prison, but he is given papers that identify him as a convict wherever he goes. It's kind of like how today we require sex offenders to be identified, but the dude only stole a loaf of bread (well, I guess in Revolutionary France poor people get touchy about their food). Jackman is reasonably upset about people constantly slamming doors in his face. He complains about it in song. Finally a very nice bishop welcomes him to say in the church full of expensive old things even though he is a known kleptomaniac. This can only go well!
Surprisingly, Jackman tries to make off with all of the bishop's silver, but is later arrested and dragged back to the church by police like a teenager who has been caught sneaking into movies after curfew. The bishop is all like "naw, man. I totally gave this guy some free stuff. In fact, I gave him all my stuff. Because I'm God-like and all." The cops let Jackman go, and the bishop is all like, "you owe me (God). Now go be a superhero." Jackman runs off to go complain in song about how he basically has no other choice but to be a good man and do good things with the wealth the bishop gave him. He decides to cut ties with his former criminal alter ego, Jean Claude Van Damme, and become the only guy in France who gives a shit. Apparently.
Fast-forward a few years later, and we find Anne Hathaway working in a factory. She gets fired because she sends money to some innkeepers who are taking care of her daughter for her, and this is bad for business because, the writers said so. Also, Jackman (who has now become the new mayor, because that's where five silver candlesticks gets you in Revolutionary France), totally doesn't help Hathaway (remember this for later. I guess). Meanwhile, Russell Crowe shows up again and he recognizes Jackman because he lifted a heavy cart off a person, while no one else helped. He didn't recognize him because of obvious things like, you know, his face which hasn't changed in years. No, he recognized his strength... Okay. Anyway, this causes Crowe to go into full Tommy Lee Jones in Fugitive mode. AKA; dude needs a hobby.
Fast-forward a couple months later (I think) and now Anne Hathaway is reduced to crippling poverty. She has to sell her teeth, her hair, and her body. I feel really bad for her and the rest of the prostitutes, mostly because I know it's either really itchy or really burning for them down you know where. Hathaway sings a song complaining about how she thought her life would be more than just a four minute close-up of misery. The audience is reduced to sobbing, but not because of her song. It's because the best actress in the movie was on screen for less than fifteen minutes and then dies. But before dying, Jackman comes out of literally nowhere and feeling bad about not helping her earlier, promises to find Hathaway's daughter, Cosette, and bring her back to her mo- ..erm..give her a nice life. He does that, but not before having a mental breakdown, telling everyone he is Jean Claude Van Damme, launching Crowe into bounty hunter mode, and engaging in a stupid chase scene with him. Jackman gets away because we still have 2 hours left. When Jackman eventually finds little Cosette, he discovers she is being poorly treated by the cast of Sweeny Todd. He swiftly gets her out of there, but of course not without a stupid chase scene with Crowe. The two eventually escape to somewhere-land where they live secretly in a castle while the rest of France starves to death.
Fast-forward 10 years later (because this movie loves fast-forwarding), and we see France is in class-warfare, with the poor coming down hard on the rich. A boy with a heavy Cockney accent (did I mention they're in FRANCE?) and a bunch of other teenagers complain in song about a rich guy. I have no idea what's going on, so I assume all the poor young people are organizing some kind of "Occupy France" movement. Sounds about right (I don't remember my lessons on the French Revolution). However, one of the teen Occupiers is related to some old rich man, so it's kind of like he's betraying his own kind... But why?
*Spoilers: No one really knows why.*
The rich/not rich Occupier, named Marius, has a friend named Eponine (who is the daughter of those shady Sweeny Todd characters from earlier, but it really doesn't make a difference). Eponine is in love with Marius, but she doesn't let him know this because, it's the will of the writers. Marius wouldn't notice her advances anyway because he falls in love with the now older Cosette after only seeing her for 30 seconds. Les Miserables has now turned into a Disney movie. Jackman gets discovered somehow and he and Cosette now have to move away. Also, Marius and the other Occupiers sing about some master plan they have and the colors, red and black (Me: "I thought the colors on the French flag were red, white, and blue..."). They are possibly also complaining, but I couldn't really tell. Also, also, Eponine sings a song about her unrequited love for Marius. Also, also, also, everyone in the movie sings "One Day More" (my favorite). Russel Crowe sings the line, "we will nip it in the bud", and hilarity ensues. This is clearly the song before intermission, because I immediately had the urge to get up for a snack afterwards.
After that, there's a funeral for that old rich man and everyone starts singing and waving flags, interrupting the funeral procession. Rude. This starts a riot and now it's the government against the Occupiers. It's like modern Occupy movements, except a lot more people died (oops, spoilers). Speaking of the dead, Eponine gets shot and we are really going to miss her. With her last breath, she gives Marius a letter from Cosette. He writes back to Cosette, but Jackman gets to the letter first. He starts singing (and complaining) about how this dude is in love with his "daughter" and starts having typical father-daughter separation anxiety. Then because he is an apparent superhero, he decides he has to go save Marius from battle so that Marius and Cosette can happily marry (I think that's his plan). When he gets to the Occupiers' ghetto fort, he creeps on Marius while he is sleeping and sings about him being "the son he never had"...even though they've never spoken.
Somewhere in the mix, Crowe gets captured by the Occupiers and Jackman pretends to kill him, letting him go free. Crowe is all like "Why are you letting me go?! You're supposed to be my evil enemy! You STOLE BREAD, YOU BASTARD!!!" Jackman doesn't care, and instead fights briefly with Marius and the Occupiers. Also, that Cockney kid gets shot and dies... Wow, I know that kid was annoying and all, but really Les Mis?! Since the kid is dead, that means nobody else gets to live, so the French soldiers shoot the hell out of that ghetto Occupy France fort (it's worth mentioning the fort was made out of chairs and tables. Fucking chairs and tables). Remember when I said Jackman briefly fights with the Occupiers? "Briefly" is an exaggeration, because as soon as Marius goes unconscious, he spends a whole ten minutes dragging his unconscious body the hell out of there. He's all like "I came here for Marius. Bonne chance everyone else!" Of course he can't escape without one last encounter with Russell Crowe. Crowe almost kills them both, but then doesn't because Jackman spared his life earlier. Crowe, unable to bear the fact that a despicable bread-stealer just saved his life (and failing to find a healthy hobby), throws himself off a bridge, and we get to see his body crash and everything. Thanks, screenwriters!
A bit later, Marius wakes up in a nice place. He then starts singing about his dead friends, and the audience is like "What time is it? 12:30 already?! We got here at 7:00!." Cosette then comes in and she starts singing (presumably) about the nice wealthy life she and Marius can have together. At this point, I really want Marius to say something like "No ma'am! I spent a whole 30 minutes fighting for the rights of the poor, and I refuse to be a hypocrite who swims in riches!" However, he doesn't say any of that, and instead marries her, and they both live happily in a mansion. Remember your dead, poor friends, Marius? Remember your poor prostitute mother, Cosette? No? Okay.
Meanwhile, Jackman realizes that Cosette will never be happy if he keeps having to run away to random places since people keep recognizing that he's Jean Claude Van Damme. So he just disappears. Years later, Marius and Cosette find out where Jackman disappeared to, and they all sing a song while he dies. Anne Hathaway comes back as an angel and sings, too. Then she leads Jackman to grand finale heaven where all the people in the movie that died (minus Crowe) are singing and not complaining about anything.
Fin.
Serious thoughts:
- I thought it was a decent film, although I would have preferred seeing the stage musical first.
- Anne Hathaway's signature scene was amazing. The camera did not move away from her face for a whole 4 minutes, yet she was captivating. Her only flaw is that she made everyone else's solo following hers seem mediocre.
- Despite previous criticisms and Adam Lambert rants, I liked Russell Crowe in this. He was raw and serious which fit the character well, I think (a guy like Javert probably wouldn't know how to sing anyway).
- A story about France, set in France, and they couldn't get a single French lead? That's like making a movie about the President of the United States and casting an Irish-oh wait...
- Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean was a great casting choice. Valjean is this wretched, wants-to-do-good vagabond, and Jackman played a vagabond in 4 X-Men movies!
- I was very impressed by Samantha Bark's (Eponine) performance. She actually did play Eponine in a DVD-stage-but-let's-sing-in-front-of-microphones version of Les Miserables.
- I hate being one of those people that complains about the length of movies, but holy crap this movie was so drawn out. It really was Anne Hathaway's fault, because after her performance, I just got bored listening to anyone sing.
- Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were brilliant and hilarious. Even though I felt like I was watching Sweeny Todd at some parts, they did bring flavor to the film.
- Overall, it was a nicely done movie. I didn't really think it deserved that Golden Globe for "Best Picture", but hey... I'm not a professional.
