"I Can't Even": How One Incomplete Sentence Defined a Generation

I cant.  I literally cannot.  I can't even.

Our generation is so distraught that we can't even form complete sentences.
We "can't even" what?  Nothing?  Everything?  We "can't even" so much that we literally can't EVEN!!!
That last sentence made no sense.  Include it in an English term paper and you'll receive a failing grade in return.  However, most of my peers will understand exactly (or most of) what that statement meant.  "I can't even" has become the phrase of 20-somethings (and some 30-somethings) across the nation.  I've seen it transcend the counter cultures of the US.  You will hear young people lamenting this from Texas to New York City.  Mostly, it is young women who will use the phrase, but from time to time, you'll see the occasional male who "simply cannot".  Such little words, but yet, it is understood within this age group.  We understand it and we identify with it.  In a way, it has defined us.

So lets' break it down: When someone says "I can't", "I can't even", or the most extreme, "I literally can't even", what are they really saying?  First, lets' start with the most simple - "I can't."  Whenever someone says that they cannot do something, they usually mean that they are incapable of either physically, mentally, or emotionally dealing with something.  It may be a task, person, or situation.  For example; if I say that "I can't drive," I am saying that I have declared myself incapable of operating a vehicle (whether this is actually true or not, because people can say they cannot do something when, in fact, they are fully capable).  The phrase, "I can't" is usually said by individual in response to a situation, statement, or any sort of stimulus that they find ridiculous or subjectively "difficult" to deal with.  So to speak, the state of being in "can't" is a subjective experience.  If I am watching a show on television that is so absurd to me, I may exclaim "I can't", in response to the absurdity of what I am witnessing.  Another example of the use of "I can't" may be in response to a certain stressor in one's environment.  If I am having a hard time with a course assignment, complaining to a friend that "I can't" with this class, is another way of saying, "the class is hard for me to mentally deal with at the moment."  Essentially, "I can't" is more of a feeling.

How are you feeling today?

I Kan't.

The phrase "I can't even," is similar to the former, however it kicks up the English language a notch by adding the adverb, "even."  The addition of this phrase turns the complete sentence, "I can't" into an incomplete one: "I can't even."  And older person may ask in response, "you can't even, what?"  This phrase is also just another way of expressing one's frustration or disbelief in absurdity of a certain stimulus they find difficult to deal with.  Another adverb that is added to the "can't" phrase is the word, "literally."  Many experts (or "experts") of the English language will audibly groan every time they hear a Millennial use this word incorrectly.  The word "literal" means to interpret something in its most basic sense without means of metaphors or allegories.  For example; if I take Homer's Odyssey literally, I will actually believe in the real-life wrath of Poseidon.  So, if I tell my sister that I will literally kill her if she eats my slice of cake, thinking in terms of the dictionary, she should never eat that cake because I said I would literally kill her.  Here, the word "literally" is indicating that I am not using the mention of murder as a metaphor.  However (and thankfully), many young people now use the word "literally" as both a means for emphasis and something that is a precursor to a metaphor.  For instance, saying that I will "literally" kill my sister, means that I am serious about the state of my cake slice.  I may not really kill her, but I may do something like yell at her or fight her (or just hold a short-term grudge).  In other words, "Do not eat my cake Dora, or I will be really, really, really, really, mad at you."  But, since we are Millennials I speak like this: "Don't touch my cake, Dora.  I swear, I will literally murder you, if you touch it!"  We don't intend literal murder; only figurative.

I literally could not resist this meme.

So now that we've defined the meaning of the phrase, "I can't even," now we must determine how this relates to our generation.  It appears as though the current mental state of 20-somethings may be a bit disgruntled.  We face the frustrations of struggling to enter the workforce with our freshly obtained college degrees.  Some of us are over-qualified, working for jobs that we may have just settled for.  Some of us can't even find jobs in a field which we worked 4 years in school for.  Many more of us can't get hired for a simple job.  Period!  We are constantly having the most expensive gadgets advertised to us, each company proclaiming that we need their product, yet we can barely pay this month's cable bill.  In addition to financial woes, we also struggle with basic companionship.  Many say that the dating scene is crumbling; that it is uncertain, confusing, and stressful.  Not to mention, the music industry is messing with us...  One week we are exposed to the smart lyrics of Twenty One Pilots, then the next week we are expected to believe that people actually enjoy listening to "Anaconda."  On top of all this, the VMAs will never be as good as they were in the 90s.

Perhaps the incomplete sentence, "I can't even" serves as an allegory for the state of our generation as a whole.  This is what it is; an incomplete sentence.  First, it is incomplete in the sense that our lives really have only just begun.  We are only in our twenties.  Granted we have good health, we have so many more years to look forward to.  The phrase may also represent a general incompleteness in our lives.  Many of us may be lazy; never completing anything.  Many of us may have voids in our lives; absent parental figures or friends.  Many of us may be missing elements within our love lives.  Any of these situations reasonably illicit the emotion: "can't!"

We are a generation of weirdos stuck in between that time where it was necessary to go to an actual library to complete a research paper, and using Google; between the AOL dial tone and 4G cell phones; between bunny-ear antennas on the television set and flat-screen, high-definition televisions.  Let's face it, we've seen quite a bit of development in our lifetimes and we aren't even halfway through our lifespans.  I'm not saying we are the only generation to experience so much societal stimulation, but we definitely have found some type of way to convey the feeling.  Through the frequent use of this phrase, "I can't even," it seems that we are constantly exasperated.  Some of us may be over-exaggerating our frustrating experiences, but the feeling still remains.  So much is going on that we can't.  We can't even.  We literally cannot.
  

The Diaper Full of Sh*t

Imagine, for a second, a diaper full of hot, stinking, poop.  For lack of a better description: shit.  The diaper is full of shit.

Imagine that diaper is full of someone's shit.  They take this diaper and throw it in your direction.

Now you have seen most people dodge this diaper when it is thrown at them.  They quickly move out of its way.  They look at it with disgust.  They glance at it after it has fallen to the ground, shaking their heads.  "I'm not touching that shit," they say.

However, when the diaper comes flying your way, you catch it.  Not only do you catch it, but you hold it in your hands, and you look at it...  You start having feelings for that diaper of shit.  You start caring for it.  It now becomes your baby.

So you take your baby (shit) with you everywhere you go.  The smell is so pungent, so you can't ignore it.  Everywhere you go, you are constantly thinking about your baby (even though it's a diaper of shit).

You try to live your life as you normally would, but you keep worrying about your "baby."

You try to go to work, but you can't concentrate because you're always thinking about your baby.  Even though you have tons of paperwork in front of you that needs your attention, you keep thinking about how you need to get back to your baby (the shit).

"I've need to go; I need to go take care of my baby!"

Everyone else looks at you in confusion.  "You mean that diaper full of shit?"

"It's not shit, it's my baby!"

"No.  It's a diaper of shit.  You don't need to care about it."

It's a diaper of shit.  You don't need to care about it.

It's a diaper of shit.  You DON'T need it.

It's shit.  You don't have to take it.

Take no shit!  Most people don't.

(Thank you to my therapist for the allegory.)

Things I Loved Today: 8/7/14

• A message from a mass email at work

"Does Osbaldo have a hard hat and safety goggles?"

"He has a hard head and safe eyes." 

• The fact that I actually know a person named Osbaldo.
• There is a Mermaid School in the Philippines, that actually manages to exist without being creepy!  I kind of wish I could go there (If only I could swim...).
• Paul McCartney's retro "WTF?" face:

We just wanted to make music and hold your hand!


• Driving to work without coffee and NOT feeling drowsy FOR ONCE!  Hashtag-winning.
• Discovering that "Thunder Clatter" by Wild Cub is the perfect morning song.
• Working on breaking my cycle of fear.
• Eating lunch then reading a book in "my place" in the park.
• Realizing that the power of prayer really does work.  It's great when I actually recognize the changes I know that I prayed for.
• Deciding to eat lunch by myself at my favorite Indian restaurant.  (This actually didn't happen today, but it will tomorrow, and I am very excited to eat and read alone..and also very hungry.)

Life at 34... Ok, yeah, sure.

Someone asked me what I picture my life will be like 10 years from now.  I sat and thought about it for approximately two minutes...  It's moderately difficult to think about where I will be in 10 years, partly because it seems so far off from now.  I'm 24 years-old, and ten years from now, I will be 34, which seem like such a, well, mature age.  When I think of someone who is 34, I think of someone who has a family of their own, a stable career, a house...uh...freaking competence!  I think of someone who has their shit together.  I don't; at least not as much as I'd like to.   Heck, at 34, my parents already had at least three kids!  I can't even take care of a house plant!

Another reason why I can't imagine my life 10 years from now is because I honestly don't know where I will be.  Sure, I have an idea, but life could go in so many ways.  All I can do is hope my life will go a certain way.  If it doesn't go the way I'm hoping, that will be fine, as long as I turn out happy.  For now, there are a few things I hope my life will have at the age of 34:

• A stable career as a dance/movement therapist
• A house.  It doesn't matter what kind or how big, but it has to be a house.  Not an apartment.  I would like a backyard.
• Living or would have lived somewhere outside of Illinois.  I want to travel and experience living in another state, even if it's just for a short time.  To live in London would be a very big dream.
• My writing career in the works.  I write as a hobby, not as an aim to make money, so I'm more focused on just having fun with it.  I hope that I continue to write, either having a successful blog or a published book that provides some kind of helpful information to others.
• A child or two.  I really don't need kids by the time I'm 34, but it would be nice (but only if my shit is together!).
• Confidence, beauty, and health. 
• A ferret.  That'd be nice...  Yeah. 

Single Life, Whatever! (Spoilers: Liz gets deep)

I'm single, and I need to be right now.  Simply put: my sense of "self" is not the best, so a strange phenomenon happens when I am with someone else.  It's almost as if I give up my being to the other person.  I sacrifice my individuality for the sake of being a romantic partner.  I want so much to have and to be had, that I give up the most important thing: my identity.

Whatever your favorite band is, I will like them, too.  Whatever you like to watch on television, I will also watch it.  The food you like is now my favorite as well.  Want to kiss?  I really don't want to, but you do, so I will.  This is how I work; or at least how I used to work.  I'm like that would-be African Queen of Eddie Murphy in Coming to America.

Right now I'm at a point in my life where I have to do a lot of self-work.  I'm talking a ton of work.  Recently, I've been studying some yoga and reading about the chakra system.  I've realized that all of mine are either closed or extremely weak.  Even if you don't buy into the whole idea of the chakras and the flow of energies in the body, I'm sure that if you analyzed my current life, it will be evident that a switch or two needs to be turned on.  For instance, I have a weak sense of grounding, self-esteem, etc.  This is weird because I didn't always used to feel this way.  Somewhere in my twenties, the paradigm changed, but instead of focusing on "where I went wrong", I instead need to focus on how to get back on track.

Without a firm ground or confidence, I cannot be in a romantic relationship.  You can't love someone else, if you don't love yourself first.  I haven't been loving myself as much as I used to.  It is necessary for me to be secure and healthy before I try to merge into someone else's life.  I want to be completely healthy (mentally and mostly physically) before I jump into a relationship.  I may not even actively try or search for a partner for a long while.  If someone discovers me when I am at my best and sees some kind of spark within me when I get better, that would be great.  However, I'm not going to linger on that thought.  It's okay if I'm single.  I'm just starting to realize that.  It's fine if I'm single because I realize that's where I need to be right now.  Besides, I don't need a boyfriend when I have friends and family who will give me everything I need at this point in my life.

So when I say "I don't want a boyfriend because I'm working on myself right now," it's not a cliché.  I'm dead serious.  Mental and physical health matters so much more to me.

Things I Loved Today: 4/24/14

Things!  They happened!  Today!

• For the first time this week, I made it into work today, with two extra minutes to spare.  Hooray for driving 60 MPH!
• Columbia College is offering another Intro to Anatomy/Kinesiology workshop.  This is something I need so this news is just fantastic!  http://www.colum.edu/Academics/DCAT/anatomykinesiology-workshop.php
• My tweet was favorited 15 times and re-tweeted 4 times.  The highest for any of my tweets, ever!

Monty Python & the [sipping from your cup till it runnith over], HOLY GRAIL!! (*Jay Z starts rapping*) #GangstaBroadway
— Liz Uh-Watch-Tree (@LizWithTheStuff) April 24, 2014

• Receiving texts from loved ones, that contain no actual importance or substance.  People that just contact you because they were thinking of you.  I love that.
• I just discovered Think Geek.
• And this practical fashion blog for gamers: http://consoletocloset.com/
• The lineup for Electric Forest 2014 was updated AGAIN.  I'm not even going to post the link.  Go find it.  Be amazed.
• This photo of Jared Leto and Zedd...  I just...  I just need this to be my wallpaper.

Wait what!?!? pic.twitter.com/wtjPWHOEGz
— Zedd (@Zedd) April 23, 2014

Grocery Stores Give You Panic Attacks, Too, Right?

Me and my thoughts at work:
"Yay!  It's almost 5:00.  In a few minutes I'll be out of this place and on my way to a nice relaxing time at work."

I realize I ran out of coffee and I need to get some from the store to drink the next morning:
"Well, I guess I really don't need the coffee for tomorrow.  I can just make some at work....  But I like to have it in the car on the way to work...  But that's okay; I can make tea instead...  No tea won't be enough caffeine for me...  It'll be fine...  No it won't...  I'll fall asleep driving...  No, I won't; I'll just go to bed early...  Fat chance...  Screw it; I'm going to the store."

On my way to the grocery store:
"Awesome, there's a blizzard right now.  Ugh, everyone's driving so slow and I can barely see the road.  Maybe, I don't need to go to the store today...  No, I'm already out.  Plus I'll definitely need it if I'm going to be scraping snow off my car tomorrow morning...  I'm literally going to pass my house on my way to the store...  Stupid coffee..."

Finding a parking spot:
"It's snowing so much, I swear I just saw a polar bear cross the street.  WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE HERE?!"

Inside the store:
"While, I'm here I should probably get the other things on my shopping list...  Guess that means I should get a cart...  Great, now I have to worry about cart traffic.  Fantastic!  Old ladies better watch out..."

Turning corners out of aisles:
"Wow, that old lady just almost crashed into me...  I hate people...  Great now, she's moving so slow in front of me.  I'll just look down at my phone and pretend that I'm also going slow...  Awesome, this guy just passed us both up like he's the shit...  Well, screw you too, man!"

Finding what I need:
"Don't they sell the classic roast anymore?... Seriously?  Am I really going to have to ask somebody?  Great...  Um, sir.  Do you have the classic roast coffee?  Oh, it's right to the left of me?  Oh, okay, got it, thanks...  Wow, he probably thought I was so dumb...  Oh!  Wait, sir!  I can't reach the can!  Nooo, now he's too far away...  Um..  *sigh* I guess French roast is fine..."

Finding the other things:
"Yes, my household will eat all 50 boxes of pasta I just threw in my cart.  Everyone stop staring at me like I'm crazy!...  This guy has been standing in front of the milk for two minutes.  Just pick one already, dude!  I could just walk around him and grab my milk...  Nah, he'll probably think I'm rude; I'll just wait...  Still waiting... Okay, I'll just pretend I'm going to look at the cheeses, then come back later..."

Coming back for the other things:
"The dude is STILL in front of the refrigerator door...  It's fine, we don't need milk... Rice milk is fine...  Are you kidding me?!  Now the old lady from earlier is blocking the rice milk?...  What did I do to deserve this?...  Oh my God, I almost just ran down a small child with my shopping cart!  Parents; watch your damn kids!"

In the alcohol section:
"I'm really going to need some booze after this shopping mission...  That worker just looked at me funny; I think she thinks that I'm under 21...  I swear I'm over 21 ma'am...  Oh, no she's coming over here...  Why does she need to see my I.D. now?  What?  A person can't even look at the alcohol without being carded?...  Do you think someone under 21 would dress business casual and go on a full-out grocery shopping journey?  There are women's daily vitamins in my shopping cart... You really think I'm underage?...  Ugh...  She must be bored...or new...  What the hell!  She didn't card that obvious pack of high school students over there!  Nevermind; she must be racist..."

In checkout:
"Should I do self-checkout, or regular checkout?... I have enough items to self-checkout, but just enough to the point where I don't want to bag it all by myself...  Meh...  I'm buying a pack of tampons; nobody needs to know about that; I'll do self-checkout...  Crap!  I can't do self-checkout when I have booze!  *Grumblegrumble*  Fine, I'll do regular checkout...
"No, I do not have a membership... No I do not want one...  Yes I found everything I was looking for today...  Although, I couldn't get to the 1% milk, because a guy was..erm, and still is..standing in front of all the milk; you guys should probably check that...make sure he's okay...  No, no, you don't have to get your manager; I was just sayin'...  Yes this bottle of wine is all for me; don't judge...  My total is $56.49?...  *sigh*, I guess I'll just buy those shoes next month..."

Leaving the store parking lot:
"This guy is just sitting in his car behind me, not moving; Hey buddy!  I gotta back out of this spot... Oh, he wants my parking space so he's waiting...  You're in the way though, dude, I can't back out with you in my way!...  Wha-...  Now why is he pulling forward?... No, get out, of my way; don't come closer...  He's still pulling forward...  Alright, if it's a fender-bender he's asking for..."

Trying to make a left turn out of the parking lot during rush hour:
"I cant even..."

My Very Detailed and Expansive New Year's Resolutions that Totally Didn't Take Me All of December to Create

This year, I put together an epic list of resolutions that I want to happen in 2014.  Instead of just making bullets, I also wrote mini-blurbs under each resolution, so that the focus and understanding really sets in.  I feel that often people will make resolutions such as, "eat better".  See, the problem there is that "eating better" is such a subjective phrase, that it doesn't really have much ground behind it.  What are the steps involved in "eating better?"  Do you mean you want to eat better, as in healthier, or eat better as in better tasting food?  It helps to lay out the details of your resolution so that it is constantly clear to you (and others, so they can keep you on track!)  So, I present my New Year's Resolutions, live on my blog for the entire world to see! (if they magically happen to stumble upon this link...)

1.  Workout every day.

In actual fact, I want to work out everyday of the week, but I say four just because there is always the possibility that some other event will come up.  I really would just like to tone up more and increase my endurance so I don't feel like puking after running 2 miles.  While, I don't focus too much on my weight, I would like to lose about 10 lbs, but as long as I can look in the mirror and like what I see, I will be happy.

2.  Stretch every day.

I used to dance almost every day, so my flexibility was better than what it is currently.  "I'm losing my dancer!", I say to myself as I try to touch my toes from a standing position, and I can barely do it.  I want to keep dancing forever, so obviously, my flexibility has to stay intact.  I will not lose my dancer!

3.  Work on my dance technique at least two times a week.

Once again, I want to keep dancing forever, so I definitely cannot lose my technique.  I want to go to school for dance therapy, which will require some pre-established technique and terminology, so I can't forget all that I've learned.  At least a couple times a week I will work on basic ballet and modern skills such as, positions, jumps, turns, and stretches.  I may even invest in a turning board so I can finally nail my quadruple turns...  Who knows?!

4.  Lay off the snooze button.

For past couple of months I have literally been rolling out of bed at 7:00 am, throwing on clean clothes, brushing my hair, grabbing some coffee (if there's time), and driving to work...by 7:20 am...  I start work at 8:00 am.  THIS MUST STOP!  I don't like rushing, so why do I do it?  Simple.  Because I like sleeping too much.  I get up at the last minute because my bed is warm and it loves me, but waking up later causes me to be disorganized for the rest of the day.  I don't eat breakfast, I don't have a proper morning coffee ritual, and I definitely don't have time to warm my car up if it's icy outside.  If I just give the snooze button a break and actually wake up at an appropriate time, then I will have a smoother morning ritual.  But before I do all that...

5.  I should probably get more than 3 hours of sleep a night.

I need to stop staying up till 3 am watching Under the Dome with the roommates.  I'd be missing out on all the fun, but I can't sacrifice all the valuable sleep that I need.  Plus, I'll probably feel healthier if I got more rest.

6.  Pack my lunches more often.

I don't like eating junk for lunch while I'm at work.  It makes me sleepy, so I drink more coffee, then I get more headaches.  Solution: I should pack my lunch the night before then grab it the next morning.  That way, it will be something good for me that probably won't be deep fried or sugar coated.

7.  Eat healthier snacks.

In addition to packing my lunch, I should eat healthier snacks, like fruit and nuts, while I'm at work, and also at home while watching TV, etc.  It's better than Oreos.  I love Oreos...  But woman cannot live on Oreos alone.  Unfortunately...

8.  Go to the eye doctor.  Get contact lenses.

I don't care if it's at Walmart, I need to get an eye checkup so that I can get a prescription for my contacts.  If I'm going to be working out and dancing more, I'm going to want to wear my glasses less, so I need contacts in order to be free from pushing my glasses up my nose every 10 seconds.  Plus, it's always good to know if you have glaucoma or anything...

9.  Go to doctor for regular checkups.

Let's see, when we were kids, how did we know if we were sick?  Oh yes, our parents would schedule our doctor appointments for us and make us go.  Now, that we have freedom and don't live with parents, what should we do?  Oh yeah...  Shit, we have to do that stuff by ourselves.  Adulthood 101: taking care of your health is a priority.  Don't put it off.

10.  See a chiropractor.

Just because I've never been to one, and now that I have decent health insurance, I would like get check up, because I know for a fact that my back sucks.

11.  Be more expressive.

This actually involves a lot of elements.  First, I need to be expressive in my words to others.  It's never really that hard to say what you mean to other people.  I'm not going to hold back so much anymore, I'll speak up, and I'll work on making my feelings more clear.  Second, I'll be expressive in terms of how I present myself to others.  I want my actions and the way I look to show my personality to others.  Finally, I want to expressive myself artistically.  I want a piece of myself to show through in my writing and also any drawing that I do.  I feel that I've always had a bit of an "artsy soul", and in 2014, I want that artsy-nerd to break out.

12.  Style my hair more.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have one hairstyle lately:  The Poofy Up-Do.  It's fine, but it's also one of my laziest.  There really is much that I can do with my hair, I just need to set aside the time and effort to work with different hairstyles.  I also want to try a new color.  I'm still thinking of the options and what would look best.  The possibilities are endless!

13.  Get a tattoo.

I want a dancer on fire.  I want a dancer on fire.  I want a dancer on fire.  I don't know where I want it, but I want a dancer on fire.

14.  Write something every week.

I always have ideas running through my head, but I never write them down.  It usually takes me less than a day to complete a blog entry, etc.  My new goal is to write a piece every week and either post it to my blog, or another place where it can be viewed.  If not for public viewing, then I'll make private a journal entry.  At least I can say I wrote something.

15.  Get on the path to Grad school.

I've decided that I want to pursue dance therapy as a career, and I'm sticking to that!  Now, I need to follow all the steps to getting into the program I want, so I can start going back to school as soon as possible.  Extra classes, applications, and financial aid are all of the things I need to look at.  I want to kick-start my education very soon, so the goal is to stay focused on completing all the checkpoints on the way to Graduate school.

16.  Take MMA classes.

I don't ever touch people, and I rarely ever get physical or aggressive, but I have the utmost confidence that if it became necessary, I could kick ass.  Why not test out this theory by taking an MMA class?  I think it would be fun to let out some aggression by doing martial arts and also potentially getting ripped in the process.  It's also something I've never done before, so it should be exciting.

17.  Take a pole dancing class.

This just seems like something new and fun, and since I found out there is actually a studio that teaches pole classes in my area, I'm even more inclined to check it out.

18.  Join contemporary and hip-hop dance classes.

If I had to pick one, I'd say that contemporary dance is my "specialty".  It's important to me to stay in tune with the style, so I'll find a class and take it weekly or so.  Also, hip-hop is a style that I don't have a great knack for, but love anyway, so I definitely want to get better at it by joining a class.  I also miss dancing in group settings.

19.  Keep record of my choreography.
I am constantly thinking of ideas and choreographing mini-dances in my head.  Some of them are pretty cool (if I do say so myself), but then I can never remember them.  I decided I will either write them down, or record myself doing the choreography, so that I don't lose it forever.

20.  Draw more.
I used to draw a lot, and it was actually very peaceful and relaxing for me.  I didn't even care if I was good or not, I just loved making sketches and drawing anime and manga characters.  I want to start doing it more often.  I think it will also help with my self-expression.

21.  Read more books and comics.
I have a long-term goal to read 100 books by the time I'm 30.  I'm 24 now, and I'm only about halfway through, so I've got some work to do in the next six years!  Comic books are also something that I've always wanted to become more immersed in.  Fantastic artwork combined with action-packed story lines: Why am I not reading more comics?!

22.  Rearrange and decorate my room.
My room has been rather stagnant for a year.  It's time to liven it up.  I'm thinking of going with a Batman theme because I'm 24, and that's what adults do.

23.  Keep my room and bathroom cleaner.
I always feel better when my area is nice and clear, so I might as well make more of an effort to keep it that way.

24.  Volunteer.
I want to do something where I know that by the end of a day, I have made a big difference in someone's life.  I haven't quite figured out exactly what I should do, but when I discover it, I want it to be consistent.

25.  Be more financially responsible.
I'm in my 20s.  Do you really think I have money figured out, yet?  This year I'll take a step towards financial stability.  I'll pay my bills on time and I won't buy stuff I don't need...  Well...  I won't buy most of the stuff I don't need.

26. Go to more music festivals/shows.
I always hear about these awesome shows and music festivals, especially during the summer, but I always end up feeling sorry for myself because I didn't go.  Well, to avoid those feelings of regret, I'm just going to go.  No questions asked.  I'll just buy the ticket.  Done and done!  People are also very fun to socialize with at shows, so that can be another mini-goal: meet more people at shows.  Yeah!  I love people (Lies.  I actually hate people, but for the sake of festivals, I will learn to love more people).

27.  Use my planner.
I bought a 2014 planner.  I'm going to use it.  That's pretty much it.

28.  Take better care of Renly.
He's all dirty because I haven't washed him since I got him.  The poor thing...  I also should probably get tune ups done more often.  Renly also deserves to be personalized.  He's been a good companion so far.
Renly is the name of my car, by the way...


**Bonus**
I have to use this blog more often.  I'm aiming for at least once a week.


BRING IT ON, TWENTY-FOURTEEEEEEN!!!!

I Gave Up Fast-Food for Lent? Oh...

I'm Catholic.  This means every once in a while I do crazy things like speak Latin or walk around with a cross drawn from ashes on my forehead.  Because Lent was last month, I did both of those things, but I also gave up fast-food restaurants. Now that Lent is over, do I feel free knowing that I can eat all the fast food I want from now on?

Meh...

I initially decided to give up fast-food simply because I thought I was eating too much of it.  I would go out to McDonald's, Wendy's, or some other deliciously evil establishment for lunch almost every day.  Obviously, I was starting to feel fat and since Lent was coming up, I figured I would just use that as an excuse to back off from the bad stuff for a while.  By doing this, I figured that by the end of the season, I would desire fast-food less because I had gone so long without it.  Also, Lent is pretty much "diet season" for Catholics, so hey.

All in all, I can honestly say, it wasn't all that bad.  I seriously don't even feel like I gave up much of anything...
Okay...  So there were like two days where I went to Steak and Shake (figuring it didn't count because it's also a sit-down restaurant), and I also had Portillo's...beef...on a Friday.  Basically I suck at commitment...and Catholicism.  For the most part, I did give up the paper-wrapped hamburgers and greasy fries. 

What I did end up staying completely away from is those sugary "coffee" drinks from Starbucks and Caribou Coffee (and yes, I consider those places "fast-food establishments").  On Easter afternoon, I could finally go to Caribou to get my beloved Vanilla White Mocha.  As I pulled away from the drive-thru and took the first sip of creamy goodness that I've had in weeks, did I feel euphoria?

Meh...

I did feel slight excitement going into the driveway, but I did not devour my drink within minutes.  Let's put it this way - I started my drink at 2 pm.  I finished it the next morning by pouring it into a fresh pot of coffee I had just made myself.  As it turned out, the sugary goodness I constantly drank every week had lost favor on my taste buds (probably for the better).  I'm finding that I'm starting to prefer coffee that tastes more like, well, coffee.  Those drinks are nice every once and a while, but I figure I can live with a small (maybe even a "kid's size"). 

So did my Lent fasting get me where I wanted to be?  I'm not sure.  I really don't know what I learned from this experience (or lack of experience).  I feel that the rituals of Lent should make you think about some aspect of your life in a different way, or it should make you see the world differently.  For instance, giving up television for 40 days might cause a person to step back and pay attention to other things that were previously overshadowed by the distractions of the media.

Like last year, my Lenten journey feels slightly unaccomplished.  Why do I always "give up" these things that are relatively easy?  I was able to say "no more fast-food" because I knew I didn't necessarily need to eat it all the time.  I thought about giving up coffee.  I just about had a heart attack at the thought.  In my mind, I "need" coffee.  If I don't have it in the morning, I honestly believe I will fall asleep while driving to work (the crash will happen precisely at the intersection of Naperville and Diehl - it's mapped out in my head!).  Obviously, I won't die without caffeine, I once went without it for 7 days (it was supposed to be 14, but you know me).  Perhaps one day I'll try it because that's the point of Lent - giving up something that you think you can't, only to find that it wasn't really that important all along.

(Okay, maybe that's not the whole point for Lent, but that's a nice secular thought!)

((I love the parentheses today.  Clearly!))

My Quarter-life Crisis (more or less)

There are a few things I could currently be doing with my life right now, and I have no idea which direction to go...

1. Stay at my current company, become fluent in Japanese, and work my way up to top management (eventually becoming the president of Mitsubishi).
2. Earn my Masters in psychology and work somewhere doing something.
3. Earn my Masters/PsyD in forensic psychology, so I can be like that guy on Law and Order: SVU.
4. Earn my Masters/PsyD in industrial/organizational psychology, so I can be like that guy on Bones.
5. Earn my PhD in psychology, so I can become a professor and teach a classroom of 18 year-olds who only take my class because I'm so pretty...
6. Become a Chicago Luvabull and sacrifice all respectable dance training.
7. Audition for Cirque du Soleil as a dancer and realize I won't make it because there are 9 year-olds who dance better than me...
8. Become a freelance writer, working on my non-profit blog; simultaneously work on getting my book published.
9. Aspire to become a writer for SNL, eventually leading me to start working on my hit new show on NBC.
10. Be a lead singer for a non-specific alternative rock band.
11. Play video games for the rest of my life, never leaving my room.  I wouldn't even buy the new PS4 because I can't couldn't afford it.
12. Marry a surgeon.  Preferably a Jewish one.

What to Do on Saturdays?

Saturdays are the best thing going on in my life right now.  I recently just started my first full-time job.  I get up at 6 AM every Mon-Fri morning to drive 45 minutes to my office where I type emails from 8 to 12, go out for an hour-long lunch, then come back and type some more emails from 1 to 5.  The worst part is just waking up in the morning.  It feels like I'm back in high school (note: I never had many classes in college that started earlier than 9:10 AM).  Needless to say, I love my Saturdays because I get what I yearn for all week: SLEEP!

So this Saturday was great.  Friday night I went to sleep at 4 AM because I was playing in the forums at Cracked.com and drafting my next blog.  I slept Saturday morning until 10 AM, when my roommate walked in to ask if I fed our cats.  I went back to sleep for 30 more minutes, then woke up to go pee (having your own bathroom is great).  I then went back to sleep.

At 12 PM I was woken up again by my roommate, so I decided that I should probably get the hell up.  Well, kind of.  I laid in bed staring at the ceiling for about another hour.

At around 1 PM I made an awesome sandwich with a side of veggie chips.  Deciding that was was not chipper enough, I then got in my car and drove to the nearest Caribou Coffee to get a medium Vanilla White Mocha.  I came back and sipped my coffee all while reading Les Miserablés and watching Jersey Shore at the same time.  Like a boss.

By around 3 PM I got off the couch to do what I had intended to do the previous day: clean my room.  I started that, took a break, started again, took another break, organized, looked out the window while petting my cat, then finished organizing my closet.  At the end of it all, I have to say that my room looks...exactly the same.  My loveseat is clear and my dresses are finally hung up.  That's all that matters.

And now, its 7 PM and I am currently writing this blog.  I'm 23 years-old, I'm going to go out with some friends tonight, right?  Nope.  I'll probably wash my hair and do my nails like the loneliest girl in the world.  The most important thing to remember is at least I got some sleep.


I love Saturdays!



If I didn't have to wake up to eat/stay alive, I probably would never get out of bed.

Leaving the Nest

Tomorrow will be the day when I finally spread my wings and fly out of my parents' house.  Literally.

This image comes to mind.

Actually no, I cannot really fly.  That's just crazy-talk.  However, I will be moving out!  Yes, a recent college graduate, and I will be leaving the nest at 22 years-old.  I feel like all grown-up... Except for the fact that there are a few minor factors that make me still feel attached to my childhood:

First, my roommates and I have officially received our keys and everything for our apartment two weeks ago...  I'm still in the process of moving in...  You see, I still need to move in all of my large furniture, and this includes my bed frame and mattresses.  I see no point of sleeping over there, if I do not have a bed, therefore I have not spent a night over at MY new place yet.  And I pay rent...

Second, I constantly go back and forth between my parents' house and my new apartment.  This means that my family and parents are always within reach.  This is a great thing because I know they will always be around to support me.  This is slightly detrimental however, because I find myself leaning on them more often than I would like to.  My parents are great, and they have no problem supporting me as long as they know I'm trying hard to support myself in the meantime.  However, I would like to be able to depend a little less on them, which brings me to my third point:

I am currently unemployed.  I was employed last week...as a canvasser...for two days.  The job was not working out (I would've made bank, though) and they had to let me go.  It was fine by me, because I the whole time I was working, I was thinking about finding another job.  Sorry I'm not sorry.

Right now, it really would be nice to have just any old job so I could pay rent.  However, since I am supposed to be grown now, and since I do have a college degree, I would like to pull myself out of the ground and hold a full-time job that is actually related to my major (or my minors).  I want so badly to be on that professional level.  Also, I need the experience so that graduate schools will look at me favorably.  I doubt that being a shuttle driver for three years is an impressive asset.

The good news is that I will finally have access to a van where I can fit all of my big furniture and get the heck out of this house.  Thank god for friends with large vehicles!  There's no doubt that I will still come back to my parents' house because, well, my other siblings still do the same.  Hey...  I'll get free food occasionally...

Bye Bye, Birdie...For a While

I honestly had no idea what to give up for this Lent, so I gave up Twitter.  Was I addicted to Twitter?  Slightly.

I did have a bad habit of tweeting passive-aggressively, which ultimately had the potentially to bite me back in the ass (I found out some of my friends read my Twitter posts...therefore it's not wise to passive-aggressively tweet about them anymore..bummer).  I also had the tendency to tweet everyday, but I'm in no way an addict.  I just thought it would be good to give up something that was highly unnecessary for a few weeks.  Also, since I had lightened off Facebook for a while, I figured staying away from social media wouldn't hurt me that much.

The result:  I now go on Facebook more often, I want to start passive-aggressive BLOGGING, and I now have an incredible urge to tweet every time someone does something to piss me off.

So has giving up Twitter accomplished anything in my life.  I would have to say that it really has not.  Besides, making me really anxious to go back and check the number of followers I have and to tweet random updates about my day, my "Twitter fast" hasn't really done much.  I guess next time I should give up something more meaningful...  Like sweets.  But, I'll admit this:  I am a weak person.  I just couldn't do that for so long (Granted, I did stop eating Wheat Thins throughout this Lenten season - one of my most favorite snacks).

This also brings up an interesting issue with my generation:  Our extreme attachment to online social networking.  For some reason, it is incredibly important for us to know what people are doing, even if we haven't seen them in years.  It is equally important for us to let everyone else in the world know what we are up to and what we think.  I have a blog because I have a mind, and I want you to see it.  I also, would love to express my frustrations and crushed dreams.

"I am so pissed at Jessica, but I can't tweet about it.  It's not like I can just, you know...confront her face-to-face and potentially resolve a conflict.  That'd be too rational.  FML."

Maybe if I had also given up all online social networking, this Lenten season would have had a bigger impact on me, and I would have realized more about myself, and how I don't need the world of online interactions.... However, I do have an iPhone...and I do keep contact with most of my friends through games like Words with Friends and Draw Something which require the internet...  Would I have to shun my phone, too?  And what about Blogger?  Is blogging as bad as Facebook or Twitter?  #millennialproblems 

Yes, even though I'm not on Twitter, I find myself using hashtags...