The Diaper Full of Sh*t

Imagine, for a second, a diaper full of hot, stinking, poop.  For lack of a better description: shit.  The diaper is full of shit.

Imagine that diaper is full of someone's shit.  They take this diaper and throw it in your direction.

Now you have seen most people dodge this diaper when it is thrown at them.  They quickly move out of its way.  They look at it with disgust.  They glance at it after it has fallen to the ground, shaking their heads.  "I'm not touching that shit," they say.

However, when the diaper comes flying your way, you catch it.  Not only do you catch it, but you hold it in your hands, and you look at it...  You start having feelings for that diaper of shit.  You start caring for it.  It now becomes your baby.

So you take your baby (shit) with you everywhere you go.  The smell is so pungent, so you can't ignore it.  Everywhere you go, you are constantly thinking about your baby (even though it's a diaper of shit).

You try to live your life as you normally would, but you keep worrying about your "baby."

You try to go to work, but you can't concentrate because you're always thinking about your baby.  Even though you have tons of paperwork in front of you that needs your attention, you keep thinking about how you need to get back to your baby (the shit).

"I've need to go; I need to go take care of my baby!"

Everyone else looks at you in confusion.  "You mean that diaper full of shit?"

"It's not shit, it's my baby!"

"No.  It's a diaper of shit.  You don't need to care about it."

It's a diaper of shit.  You don't need to care about it.

It's a diaper of shit.  You DON'T need it.

It's shit.  You don't have to take it.

Take no shit!  Most people don't.

(Thank you to my therapist for the allegory.)

Single Life, Whatever! (Spoilers: Liz gets deep)

I'm single, and I need to be right now.  Simply put: my sense of "self" is not the best, so a strange phenomenon happens when I am with someone else.  It's almost as if I give up my being to the other person.  I sacrifice my individuality for the sake of being a romantic partner.  I want so much to have and to be had, that I give up the most important thing: my identity.

Whatever your favorite band is, I will like them, too.  Whatever you like to watch on television, I will also watch it.  The food you like is now my favorite as well.  Want to kiss?  I really don't want to, but you do, so I will.  This is how I work; or at least how I used to work.  I'm like that would-be African Queen of Eddie Murphy in Coming to America.

Right now I'm at a point in my life where I have to do a lot of self-work.  I'm talking a ton of work.  Recently, I've been studying some yoga and reading about the chakra system.  I've realized that all of mine are either closed or extremely weak.  Even if you don't buy into the whole idea of the chakras and the flow of energies in the body, I'm sure that if you analyzed my current life, it will be evident that a switch or two needs to be turned on.  For instance, I have a weak sense of grounding, self-esteem, etc.  This is weird because I didn't always used to feel this way.  Somewhere in my twenties, the paradigm changed, but instead of focusing on "where I went wrong", I instead need to focus on how to get back on track.

Without a firm ground or confidence, I cannot be in a romantic relationship.  You can't love someone else, if you don't love yourself first.  I haven't been loving myself as much as I used to.  It is necessary for me to be secure and healthy before I try to merge into someone else's life.  I want to be completely healthy (mentally and mostly physically) before I jump into a relationship.  I may not even actively try or search for a partner for a long while.  If someone discovers me when I am at my best and sees some kind of spark within me when I get better, that would be great.  However, I'm not going to linger on that thought.  It's okay if I'm single.  I'm just starting to realize that.  It's fine if I'm single because I realize that's where I need to be right now.  Besides, I don't need a boyfriend when I have friends and family who will give me everything I need at this point in my life.

So when I say "I don't want a boyfriend because I'm working on myself right now," it's not a cliché.  I'm dead serious.  Mental and physical health matters so much more to me.