Oz: The Great and Powerful...Basically

Douchebag Franco says, "GTFO if you hate spoilers, kid".

 

 

The movie begins somewhere in Kansas during a time where PETA wasn't around to rag on circuses for using animal performers.  Kansas seems like a pretty awful place to live - the population is like 15, the screen size is too narrow, it's constantly in sepia tone, and giant tornadoes spontaneously appear out of nowhere.  Also, the most likable character at this point is the tornado...

Our main character is Oz, played by James Franco, who is a greasier con man than the Sham-Wow guy (and that's pretty hard to top).  He's a show magician, but people in his audience get upset because they find out he's a phony because he can't make a girl in wheelchair walk.  Another reason Kansas sucks:  If you can do mirror tricks, the people will believe you are Jesus.  So Oz is run out of town because he's been romancing with another man's wife (but he never sleeps with any of the ladies he meets, because this is Disney).  He hops on a hot air balloon, and gets sucked up by a very polite tornado that allows his sorry ass to live (also, Michelle Williams shows up to tell him he's a good man or some shit like that).

The holy tornado transports him to the land of Oz, which is the best place ever because it's in wide screen AND there's lots of color!  Mila Kunis shows up to explain why Mr. Oz shares a name with the land, and it's because of a prophecy stating that a great wizard named Oz would come to defeat the Wicked Witch and claim the throne.  Kunis also instantly falls in love with Franco because she is a female character.  Franco knows very well that he is no great wizard, but goes along with the charade because he's sleazy and he wants to live like a Kardashian.  Along the way they meet Zach Braff who is also a flying monkey and is so far the best character.  He knows that Franco is not the great wizard, but helps him along anyway because everyone worships James Franco.

Me: "Why?"
Writers: "Because the people of Oz are frickin' stupid."

Mila Kunis (skipping the whole damn time) leads Franco and Braff-monkey to the Emerald City which will be his new kingdom.  Another witch, played by Rachel Weiss, then tells him that he cannot claim the throne until he defeats the wicked witch, which is totally not her, but really it is (spoilers?).  So, he goes to do that, but not before hitting on Weiss, too (Because she is also a female).  While Franco is out of the room, Weiss and Kunis start talking about Franco and the kingdom in a totally non-suspicious way.

On the way to somewhere-place to defeat the wicked witch, Franco and Braff-monkey, come across a little city made of porcelain (or china?) that has been destroyed.  Inside one of the little houses, they find a little girl made of china, whose legs are broken.  Franco fixes her legs with super glue (this completely makes up for him not being able to cure that girl in the wheelchair).  After he does that, China Girl (no really, that's her name) begs Franco to let her go with him on his two minute journey to find the wicked witch.  He is reluctant, but eventually lets her come along (which is probably a benefit to him, since she is the heir of Ra's Al Ghul).  When they finally get to the somewhere-place to defeat the wicked witch, they find out that she is really the good witch, Glinda, because she is wearing all white and is played by Michelle Williams.  She tells the trio that Rachel Weiss is really the wicked one.  The audience is shocked.

At the same time, Rachel Weiss is watching this whole thing happen through her crystal ball.  After seeing James Franco and Michelle Williams hitting it off, Mila Kunis becomes filled with rage, and starts crying acid tears for reasons I can't explain.  Weiss then turns Kunis into the iconic, green Wicked Witch of the West, because...she sucks.  Now Kunis attributes all her rage and wickedness to Franco for "cheating" on her (because that's all women ever get upset about).

"Entertainment Weekly totally didn't spoil this reveal for me at all!" -- sarcastic EW reader

Rachel Weiss sends an army out to attack Franco, China Girl, Williams, and Braff-monkey, but they escape by flying away in bubbles.  Also, Williams has figured out that Franco is not a great wizard, but she believes he can still help to defeat the evil witches and take back the city (by the way, this throne technically belongs to her because it was previously her father's, but she wants Franco to have it because...she has a Y chromosome).  The group eventually ends up in a city where the people are super nice and no one ever hurts anyone.  Cool.  So, they turn these people into soldiers anyway.  They have to devise a plan to take out the wicked witches and reclaim Emerald City without killing absolutely NO ONE.

"Good luck." -- guy who will inevitably be killed by Liam Neeson in Taken.

Oh, and Kunis shows up to be all threatening with her new green/CGI face (Oscar!).

When battle time comes, some really cool strategies are put into play, and when it looks like the good side might actually win, everyone discovers that James Franco is leaving.

"But no!  He was so trustworthy and totally not a shady character at all!" -- children under 4.

Kunis blows up the hot air balloon that Franco is trying to escape in, so now he is a doucebag AND dead.  All the good people become very sad, but then a giant Franco hologram head appears out of the smoke and everyone is instantly intimidated.  Obviously, its all just an elaborate trick by Franco and his friends, but the people of Oz don't know that (remember; idiots, folks).  Apparently this is the scariest thing these people have seen, you know, besides the whole getting attacked by flying monkeys every week thing, because everyone freaking believes that Franco died and became resurrected as a giant, fire-breathing, floating head.  Anyway, this scares the wicked witches and they fly off to somewhere.  At some point after that, Rachel Weiss and Michelle Williams have a magic duel.  Weiss looses and it is revealed she was secretly an ugly hag all along.

"There can only be one pretty bitch in Oz!" -- Glinda

The movie ends with the hoaxy "Wizard of Oz" now being established, and Williams and Franco making out.  End.

"At least it was better than Spiderman 3" -- Sam Raimi


Little notes:

• Mila Kunis was such a non-person in this film.  Her neutral personality was not doing it for me.  It just made her boring.  Even when she turned "green", Rachel Weiss still seemed more powerful than her.
• Kunis's character cries "tears of fire", or whatever.  Cool, but I didn't get the significance of it all.  Is it because water eventually makes her melt?  If so, that's dumb because she found Franco in a pond.  What the hell was she doing around ponds if she knew they would kill her?  Stupid.
• There's not much to James Franco's character except that he's a con-artist and a bit of a womanizer.  He did have some funny moments though.
• Feminist note:  There's not much going on for the ladies in this movie.  For a movie which has women as more than half of the leads, they were slightly downplayed.  Glinda, who's father was the original king of Oz, should have just stepped up to claim her throne.  Screw prophecy!  Kunis literally SKIPS for half of her screen time, and thinks of nothing more than being Franco's queen.  Weiss is a little stronger, but I feel like she had a lot more potential that was never displayed.
• The best characters weren't even live actors.  Joey King as China Girl and Zach Braff as a flying monkey.  A flying monkey...
• Even though this movie comes of as a "C" in my book, I think director, Sam Raimi, did a pretty good job.  I appreciate his style, and you can really tell he made his mark on this film (and not just by adding Bruce Campbell on it).
• Why did they have to make Rachel Weiss ugly at the end?  It has no significance.  By the time Dorothy shows up, she's crushed by a house, so we never saw her face.
• So I guess we're just ignoring the whole canon from Wicked, huh? (I'm joking of course.)
• Michelle Williams is super cute.  I fucking hate her.
• James Franco is not.

Les Miserables...Basically

The movie begins around 1800-something-something in France during the Revolution.  Cool.  So we're going to see some popular and well-known French actors like Marion Cotillard and Gerard Depardieu, right?

*Spoilers:  There are no French people in the movie about FRANCE.*

Russell Crowe is overseeing a bunch of prisoners who are pulling an overturned ship out of the water, because he gets amusement out of watching them.  The prisoners complain in song.  Russell Crowe then commands Hugh Jackman (who at this point looks like he belongs in Apocalypto) to carry a giant beam by himself.  Pay attention to this because it comes up later.  Once.

Hugh Jackman is later released from prison, but he is given papers that identify him as a convict wherever he goes.  It's kind of like how today we require sex offenders to be identified, but the dude only stole a loaf of bread (well, I guess in Revolutionary France poor people get touchy about their food).  Jackman is reasonably upset about people constantly slamming doors in his face.  He complains about it in song.  Finally a very nice bishop welcomes him to say in the church full of expensive old things even though he is a known kleptomaniac.  This can only go well!

Surprisingly, Jackman tries to make off with all of the bishop's silver, but is later arrested and dragged back to the church by police like a teenager who has been caught sneaking into movies after curfew.  The bishop is all like "naw, man.  I totally gave this guy some free stuff.  In fact, I gave him all my stuff.  Because I'm God-like and all."  The cops let Jackman go, and the bishop is all like, "you owe me (God).  Now go be a superhero."  Jackman runs off to go complain in song about how he basically has no other choice but to be a good man and do good things with the wealth the bishop gave him.  He decides to cut ties with his former criminal alter ego, Jean Claude Van Damme, and become the only guy in France who gives a shit.  Apparently.

Fast-forward a few years later, and we find Anne Hathaway working in a factory.  She gets fired because she sends money to some innkeepers who are taking care of her daughter for her, and this is bad for business because, the writers said so.  Also, Jackman (who has now become the new mayor, because that's where five silver candlesticks gets you in Revolutionary France), totally doesn't help Hathaway (remember this for later.  I guess).  Meanwhile, Russell Crowe shows up again and he recognizes Jackman because he lifted a heavy cart off a person, while no one else helped.  He didn't recognize him because of obvious things like, you know, his face which hasn't changed in years.  No, he recognized his strength...  Okay.  Anyway, this causes Crowe to go into full Tommy Lee Jones in Fugitive mode.  AKA; dude needs a hobby.

Fast-forward a couple months later (I think) and now Anne Hathaway is reduced to crippling poverty.  She has to sell her teeth, her hair, and her body.  I feel really bad for her and the rest of the prostitutes, mostly because I know it's either really itchy or really burning for them down you know where.  Hathaway sings a song complaining about how she thought her life would be more than just a four minute close-up of misery.  The audience is reduced to sobbing, but not because of her song.  It's because the best actress in the movie was on screen for less than fifteen minutes and then dies.  But before dying, Jackman comes out of literally nowhere and feeling bad about not helping her earlier, promises to find Hathaway's daughter, Cosette, and bring her back to her mo- ..erm..give her a nice life.  He does that, but not before having a mental breakdown, telling everyone he is Jean Claude Van Damme, launching Crowe into bounty hunter mode, and engaging in a stupid chase scene with him.  Jackman gets away because we still have 2 hours left.  When Jackman eventually finds little Cosette, he discovers she is being poorly treated by the cast of Sweeny Todd.  He swiftly gets her out of there, but of course not without a stupid chase scene with Crowe.  The two eventually escape to somewhere-land where they live secretly in a castle while the rest of France starves to death.

Fast-forward 10 years later (because this movie loves fast-forwarding), and we see France is in class-warfare, with the poor coming down hard on the rich.  A boy with a heavy Cockney accent (did I mention they're in FRANCE?) and a bunch of other teenagers complain in song about a rich guy.  I have no idea what's going on, so I assume all the poor young people are organizing some kind of "Occupy France" movement.  Sounds about right (I don't remember my lessons on the French Revolution).  However, one of the teen Occupiers is related to some old rich man, so it's kind of like he's betraying his own kind...  But why?

*Spoilers: No one really knows why.*

The rich/not rich Occupier, named Marius, has a friend named Eponine (who is the daughter of those shady Sweeny Todd characters from earlier, but it really doesn't make a difference).  Eponine is in love with Marius, but she doesn't let him know this because, it's the will of the writers.  Marius wouldn't notice her advances anyway because he falls in love with the now older Cosette after only seeing her for 30 seconds.  Les Miserables has now turned into a Disney movie.  Jackman gets discovered somehow and he and Cosette now have to move away.  Also, Marius and the other Occupiers sing about some master plan they have and the colors, red and black (Me: "I thought the colors on the French flag were red, white, and blue...").  They are possibly also complaining, but I couldn't really tell.  Also, also, Eponine sings a song about her unrequited love for Marius.  Also, also, also, everyone in the movie sings "One Day More" (my favorite).  Russel Crowe sings the line, "we will nip it in the bud", and hilarity ensues.  This is clearly the song before intermission, because I immediately had the urge to get up for a snack afterwards.

After that, there's a funeral for that old rich man and everyone starts singing and waving flags, interrupting the funeral procession.  Rude.  This starts a riot and now it's the government against the Occupiers.  It's like modern Occupy movements, except a lot more people died (oops, spoilers).  Speaking of the dead, Eponine gets shot and we are really going to miss her.  With her last breath, she gives Marius a letter from Cosette.  He writes back to Cosette, but Jackman gets to the letter first.  He starts singing (and complaining) about how this dude is in love with his "daughter" and starts having typical father-daughter separation anxiety.  Then because he is an apparent superhero, he decides he has to go save Marius from battle so that Marius and Cosette can happily marry (I think that's his plan).  When he gets to the Occupiers' ghetto fort, he creeps on Marius while he is sleeping and sings about him being "the son he never had"...even though they've never spoken.

Somewhere in the mix, Crowe gets captured by the Occupiers and Jackman pretends to kill him, letting him go free.  Crowe is all like "Why are you letting me go?!  You're supposed to be my evil enemy!  You STOLE BREAD, YOU BASTARD!!!"  Jackman doesn't care, and instead fights briefly with Marius and the Occupiers.  Also, that Cockney kid gets shot and dies...  Wow, I know that kid was annoying and all, but really Les Mis?!  Since the kid is dead, that means nobody else gets to live, so the French soldiers shoot the hell out of that ghetto Occupy France fort (it's worth mentioning the fort was made out of chairs and tables.  Fucking chairs and tables).  Remember when I said Jackman briefly fights with the Occupiers?  "Briefly" is an exaggeration, because as soon as Marius goes unconscious, he spends a whole ten minutes dragging his unconscious body the hell out of there.  He's all like "I came here for Marius.  Bonne chance everyone else!"  Of course he can't escape without one last encounter with Russell Crowe.  Crowe almost kills them both, but then doesn't because Jackman spared his life earlier.  Crowe, unable to bear the fact that a despicable bread-stealer just saved his life (and failing to find a healthy hobby), throws himself off a bridge, and we get to see his body crash and everything.  Thanks, screenwriters!

A bit later, Marius wakes up in a nice place.  He then starts singing about his dead friends, and the audience is like "What time is it?  12:30 already?!  We got here at 7:00!."  Cosette then comes in and she starts singing (presumably) about the nice wealthy life she and Marius can have together.  At this point, I really want Marius to say something like "No ma'am!  I spent a whole 30 minutes fighting for the rights of the poor, and I refuse to be a hypocrite who swims in riches!"  However, he doesn't say any of that, and instead marries her, and they both live happily in a mansion.  Remember your dead, poor friends, Marius?  Remember your poor prostitute mother, Cosette?  No?  Okay.

Meanwhile, Jackman realizes that Cosette will never be happy if he keeps having to run away to random places since people keep recognizing that he's Jean Claude Van Damme.  So he just disappears.  Years later, Marius and Cosette find out where Jackman disappeared to, and they all sing a song while he dies.  Anne Hathaway comes back as an angel and sings, too.  Then she leads Jackman to grand finale heaven where all the people in the movie that died (minus Crowe) are singing and not complaining about anything.

Fin.


Serious thoughts:

• I thought it was a decent film, although I would have preferred seeing the stage musical first.
• Anne Hathaway's signature scene was amazing.  The camera did not move away from her face for a whole 4 minutes, yet she was captivating.  Her only flaw is that she made everyone else's solo following hers seem mediocre.
• Despite previous criticisms and Adam Lambert rants, I liked Russell Crowe in this.  He was raw and serious which fit the character well, I think (a guy like Javert probably wouldn't know how to sing anyway).
• A story about France, set in France, and they couldn't get a single French lead?  That's like making a movie about the President of the United States and casting an Irish-oh wait...
• Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean was a great casting choice.  Valjean is this wretched, wants-to-do-good vagabond, and Jackman played a vagabond in 4 X-Men movies!
• I was very impressed by Samantha Bark's (Eponine) performance.  She actually did play Eponine in a DVD-stage-but-let's-sing-in-front-of-microphones version of Les Miserables. 
• I hate being one of those people that complains about the length of movies, but holy crap this movie was so drawn out.  It really was Anne Hathaway's fault, because after her performance, I just got bored listening to anyone sing.
• Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter were brilliant and hilarious.  Even though I felt like I was watching Sweeny Todd at some parts, they did bring flavor to the film.
• Overall, it was a nicely done movie.  I didn't really think it deserved that Golden Globe for "Best Picture", but hey...  I'm not a professional.

Little Notes: "The Hunger Games 2: Red Dawn"

Earlier today, I was checking my email, when at the top of my screen, I noticed this ad for the new movie coming out, Red Dawn.

 



Now immediately, I notice a couple of things about this picture.  First, one of the cast members displayed here is from The Hunger Games movie, and another is a brother of another Hunger Games star.  I don't know much about  the plot of Red Dawn, but I assume it's about a group of young-adults fighting for their lives...  The Hunger Games.  Boom.

Second, I notice that Josh Hutcherson has top billing.  Josh Hutcherson is the one hiding directly to the left of the guy in the middle, Chris Hemsworth.  Obviously, Hemsworth is the top dog in this film, so why doesn't he get his name up in lights?  Did promoters think he had too much publicity going for him after Thor and The Avengers?  Are they mad his brother put a ring on Miley Cyrus, and they're taking it out on him?  Apparently so, because according to this ad, he's not the reason you should see this movie.  Freaking Peeta Mellark is.  Peeta...

How I Feel About The Glee Movie (In 5 Seconds or Less)

This pretty much sums up my feelings:

Yes, I did make this.  No, I do not like Glee.
First of all, my feelings about concert movies are not that bad.  However my feelings about 3D concert movies are quite horrible.  Now when you put Glee into the equation, I just get belligerent.

Glee was never a show I could really get into.  It's basically High School Musical with more "adult" themes.  To be fair, I did watch the whole season, and it was just okay.  Nothing special.  I didn't have time to watch seasons after that, but believe me when I say that some of my friends were bat-shit crazy about it.  Not only was the show becoming a big "hit", but it's music was also making it's way to radio stations.  I don't have a problem with covers of songs, but the covers done by these Glee kids just sound so soulless to me.  These songs sound like they belong on a borderline Kidz Bob album most of the time.  I think Glee's problem is that they don't know the difference between Broadway and Pop music.  All the kids on this show are Broadway-bound.  There's no denying that.  So my question is why don't they freaking go there?!

"I just want to be Kristen Chenoweth so bad!!!"

So in conclusion, I hate Glee.

BUT WAIT!

Not only does producer, Ryan Murphy feel the need to infect my television AND radio with Glee songs.  Someone felt the need that the stars from the show needed to tour around the country singing their songs to screaming fans live.  That sounds so necessary.

BUT WAIT!

Just in case you missed the completely necessary Glee Tour, someone decided to professionally film it, with behind-the-scenes footage and all, and release it to theaters...  In 3D...

This is how I like to imagine how Glee fans would watch this movie.

I'm sure that somewhere in the future, I will make a list of movie genres that should never be shown in 3D, and "concert movies" will be on the list.  In the mean time, you probably should take the advice of Jane Lynch and save your money.

Well...shit.