Awesomely Bad Baby Names

Somewhere in the world, there is a person named Superman.  I know this not only because I read the news from time to time, but because people are crazy.  Even though it may seem as though I'm generalizing here, I am betting that you can relate.  Everyone has their beloved pop-culture symbols that they claim will one day be the namesake of either their future pets or children (or Sim characters, just to play it safe).

I think I'll name you Dr. House 

(sims3updates.net)

I am also one who is guilty of thinking up horrible little names to name my children and/or pets (True story: I have a fish named Gerard Butler).  However, when it comes to naming children, I think a little bit deeper.  If a person's going to keep their name for the rest of their life, it has to be good.  This is why I'm making a list (in no particular order) of some geek-inspired names that are a bit ridiculous but fantastic at the same time.

Constantine (as a boy's name)

I've loved this name ever since the first time I heard it.  I really don't know why.  It's nice as a girl name, but as a boy's name, it's just so unique and fresh.

The bad:  I'm guessing either two images popped into most of your heads upon reading the name:  Keanu Reeves from the movie of the same name, or that American Idol contestant who looks like he might be vampire.  The implications of giving a child this name will likely be a lifetime of extremely banal jokes about fighting demons and/or being pressured to audition for season 48 of American Idol.

"Yeah, Simon called me tone-deaf, so I shot him.  No big."

The awesome:  If you didn't automatically think of the movie or the American Idol contestant, then chances are you thought about the Constantine the Great, or St. Constantine, the Roman Emperor.  He signed the Edict of Milan in 313 AD, which proclaimed religious tolerance in the Roman Empire, thus lessening Christian persecution.  Yeah.  Just tell people he's the namesake of your child in case anyone asks.  Trust me; it'll reduce the awkward tension after a person asks, "Hey isn't Constantine the name of that Keanu Reeves movie", to which you will swiftly reply, "No.  It's a saint name.  How ignorant of you!"  Then you will briskly walk away with your stroller.

ALSO!  When you get angry and yell at your future child, Constantine, you will be able to say, "CON!"....  That was a Star Trek reference right there....

Ash

No.  I do not mean this in a "short-for-Ashley" kind of way.  I would never name my boy-kid Ashley.  I would however name him Ash.  Why?  Because I like it.

The bad:  I'm guessing that most of you have seen the popular children's television show, Pokemon.  Well, the main character of the show is named Ash, and he means well, but the kid gets a little annoying after a bit.  Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Ash Ketchum.  He was just a character that I never completely adored.  I was much more interested in Brock (even though he was a little over-sexed).  Long story short: You tell a person that your kid's name is Ash, and every teacher in the school district will be asking him this after roll call: "Do you want to be the very best...  Like no one ever was?  ...Then don't fail my class". 

"You think that's bad?  My sister's name is Snorlax."

The awesome:  Three words:  The Evil Dead.  You know who I'm thinking about.  Yes, it's Bruce Campbell's character of Ash from the Evil Dead movies.  This just might be one of the most bad-ass characters in all movie history.  He had a freaking chainsaw for a hand.  A chainsaw!  Not to mention, he has great one liners:

However, if naming your child after a movie character still isn't acceptable for you then, you can tell everyone it's just short for Asher.  It's a nice name, too.

And it's better than 'Bruce'.

Link

This guy probably has one of the most famous names in video game history.  He's also one of the most recognizable video game heroes.  His name is Link, and he doesn't talk (except for in the T.V. show, but let's not get crazy, now).

He's the ONLY character I use in Super Smash Bros.

The bad:  Upon introducing your child, Link, to society, he (or she if you're really cool) may be received with one of these reactions:

A#1.  Link's peers will forever ridicule him.  He will be pressured into sword fights and mocked when he speaks any word that isn't "AH".  Little annoying children with high pitched voices will follow him around constantly screaming "Hey!  Listen!", because they think it's so funny.  Upon reaching puberty, little Link will then try his hardest to avoid dating all females named Zelda, because he knows the wedding ceremony would be unbearably hilarious for all other attendees.

B#2.  People might say, "Hey your name is Link?  That's so cool.  I used to love that game!"

...Or "I still love that game", depending on the status of the franchise in 2020...

The awesome:  This name is lovely, and actually really want to name one of my children Link someday.  If you are also considering this as a baby name, don't worry about it being a name of almost empty meaning and origin (assuming that LoZ fandom is not enough ground for naming babies).  The name 'Link' can be short for 'Lincoln'.  I got this idea from the television drama, Prison Break, where the main character named Lincoln was sometimes referred to as 'Link the Sink'.  

As if the name wasn't awesome enough, you can also tell people that your kid is named after the 16th president of the United States.

Freer of slaves and also a great vampire hunter.

(screenjunkies.com)

And there you have it.  But these are only a few of the most awesomely bad names to give your children.  There are more to come.  So many more...

See MORE Awesomely Bad Baby Names: Part II HERE!